Many, many of you would have read over and over again from people who are on the Autistic spectrum, of most levels, of how they are proud they are autistic. How they are good at their job because they are autistic, or how it gives them abilities to stay focused and pay attention to details. How they are proud of themselves, they know they are different, and different is OK, to be celebrated in fact!
And true, all those things are valid about the Autistic life.
But here is the REAL truth. At least for me. And I am willing to bet for others.
I HATE BEING AN ASPIE.
I hate it because no matter how trained and practiced you are at getting on, no matter how well you function and do your job well, no matter how smart and self aware and downright careful you are, there will, there absolutely will come a moment when your brain just shuts down.
Because you see, we Aspies have no control over our brains. At all. We can try. We can learn. We can practice. We can even go through the right motions. But when push comes to shove, our Aspie brain is going to win out over any logic, reason, attempt, effort, argument. I sometimes feel like I am two brains in one body...and the Aspie brain ALWAYS wins. It frustrates me to no end and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it.
Telling an Aspie to get over it, forget it, move on, don't worry? Forget it. We quite literally can't do it. We SHOULD. We WANT to. But we can't. It is NOT POSSIBLE. Or if it is, my highly intelligent, self aware, and trained brain has yet to figure out how in 37 years of trying.
And sure, sometimes we get upset not because we are an Aspie, but because people are just flat out rude, or cruel. Do not blame my disease because I am upset. It is not an excuse for your bad behavior. But if I weren't an Aspie it would be a heck of a lot easier for me to ignore you.
Sometimes I will read stories of truly, classically autistic kids and think you know, I may be smart, able to get along in public and hold down a job and pay bills and have friends and communicate and drive a car and do all the things that these Autistic people will likely never be able to do. But when I hear them explaining how they feel and what they feel, I realize that at the core we are EXACTLY the same. We express differently, I have a higher threshold. But the things that bug them, bug me.
Once again, I say, I HATE BEING AN ASPIE. And I have a feeling most Aspies agree, in their deepest hearts.
Sorry for the caps in this one, guys. I was going for emphasis.