Meltdowns, or when the Aspie takes over the brain

Hello everyone--

This is the story of my last major Aspie Meltdown.  If this sounds familiar to you, whether you are on the Autism Spectrum or not, please comment below, anonymously if you need to.  It's easier when you share. 

Last week I went to go pick up my brother at the Sacramento Airport. First, there was the slight difficulty of finding him, but it is a small airport so I figured it shouldn't be too hard. My first time around, a car was parked at the curb and the security guy was standing at its window, they had a space in front, so I signaled and started to pull into the curb. As I did this, the car pulled forward, and there was almost an accident. Then the security guy had the gall to knock on my window and tell me to be careful. I should have just ignored it but I said excuse me, I did nothing wrong, tell the car that almost hit me to be careful, shouldn't you be concerned ABOUT me for almost getting hit? He raised his voice at me and threatened to write me a ticket. I rolled up my window on him (I didn't see my brother and knew I had to keep driving), and when he knocked on the window I ignored him. When I came past again (I had to circle three more times trying to find my brother which seriously added to my stress) he found me again and told me the same thing again. I said look, this is what happened, you can see I am being slow and careful, leave me alone. By this time I was frustrated because I couldn't find my brother and already pre-meltdown. with the breath catching and the tears forming and the brain not working. I finally said look, I am trying to find my brother, I know his flight arrived, I have Asperger's and I am on the verge, please just stop. 

To his credit he did turn nice at this point and told me I could park at the curb for a few minutes if I had to, then told me where my brother should be, I was in slightly the wrong place. Soon after that I found my brother and he said where have you been, I've been waiting for an hour! I said, well I circled 4 times and I didn't see you. At that point, my brain pretty much exploded. I was crying, shaking, and I had a hard time breathing, and I could not THINK.  My brain literally froze, I couldn't form a single coherent thought. My brother was what's the big deal I'm in the car everything is OK now, and I was said I am an Aspie, I am having an Aspie moment, just deal, and be nice to me as I get past this, PLEASE. My brother is so confident and so disinclined to react emotionally to anything (he HAS strong emotions, he doesn't react emotionally)  that those of us who have moments of weakness and stress baffle him completely. I did finally calm down (and my brother did volunteer to drive which was kind of him but once I was out of the airport I was fine), but it took me several minutes to get back to normal. 

I felt so STUPID because I have traveled internationally (I flew into Hong Kong alone at the age of 23 and met up with people I had met only once and didn't speak the same language, though they were wonderful to me and I love them dearly, where I then went to teach in China for a  year), gone through customs and dealt with situations much more stressful than this with no problems at all.  I worked full time, went to graduate school full time, trained for a marathon, and prepared for major surgery all at the same time in the Spring of 2004 without a single meltdown of any kind. Sometimes, though, the wrong button is pushed and I just can't hold it together. I hate it, I hate being an Aspie, I hate that no matter how confident and smart and capable and as much of a problem solver as I am I am, I have moments where my my brain simply melts, the Aspie kicks in, and all the balls get dropped, I don't know what to do, and I cease to be able to function or do anything but panic.

What it is like--one part of your brain is logical and rational and saying this is no big deal, you can handle this, nothing is really wrong, everything is fine now, get over it. And the rest of my brain is in meltdown mode and I have no control over it at all. It's SO frustrating.

And though I am proud of the person I am, these are the moments I HATE being an Aspie.  I HATE not having the control.  And I struggle because when it is over, the biggest thing I feel is...

Shame.

True Friendship: it is possible for an Aspie

There are times when I am utterly amazed that I actually have friends.  I know this sounds odd, but as an Aspie, you tend to inadvertently make so many mistakes, so many social faux pas, that you automatically assume you will eventually insult and turn away anyone who was ever a friend to you.  That was my life, really, for all of high school and college.  

Then, in my mid twenties, I met my best girl friend ever (and yes, I know how teenager that sounds).  She's been my friend for 10 years now and I cherish her friendship, as well as rely on it.  She's been there for me through all the hills and valleys of life, and I hope I've been there for her.  It could be because she and I tend to be just a bit 'off'  in so many of the same ways that we are friends, but hey, it works!  She also introduced me to craft beer, a gift for which I can never repay her.  

I also want to mention and give credit  to three of my friends and former coworkers who have known me since I started working for Salinas Public Library.  They have truly been supportive and caring and just wonderful through all the hell I went through.  One of them, after I spent at least an hour venting and complaining about how tough my situation was and apologized afterwards for being so rude, simply said that is what friends are for.  We listen.  My other friend, understanding I am an Aspie, makes it a point to tell me things ahead of time if she thinks that they might come out in a time or place to cause me anxiety. The third not only does his best to cheer me up and make me laugh, but when I finally was officially unemployed, he packed up my entire cubicle and brought it my apartment for me so I wouldn't have to deal with going back into a building that caused me so much stress. I am staggered by the kindness they have all shown me.

And here, I mention only four people.  There are several others who have proven their deep and abiding friendship to me over and over.  There are times I still wake up and think, how do I deserve this?  I still sometimes wonder if maybe it will all be taken away.  

But my friends?  True and faithful, they understand me, and have stuck with me through the thick and thin of the last few years.  I sometimes feel like the luckiest person alive.  Friendship is a gift from God and I have been lavishly blessed.

So to all of them I say, thanks.  For being my friend.

Erudite Aspie in transition

I know it has been a few weeks since I have written anything, and I beg your indulgence for another few weeks.  I am deep in moving mode, and the practical aspects of it are easily done (make a list, do the list, voila!), I'm struggling with the emotional aspects of the move.

I'm leaving so much behind that I love--church, friends, weather, and having my own apartment.  I am going to some good stuff--I will be living with and caring for the Erudite Mom as she struggles with cancer and that is no hardship and indeed a pleasure (plus I'll get a great deal on rent).  I also will be living quite a bit closer to one of my closest friends.  The weather is awful, but the neighborhood will be safe for running at night and is in fact a great place to run in general.  These are the things I try to focus on--but overall the bad of the move outweighs the good.  Life doesn't give out exactly what you want, though, and sometimes all the paths narrow down to one.  I have to believe that God has a purpose and a plan for this.  I can't say what it is, but I live my life by faith, so why not live my future by faith too?  And if I get choked up here and there, well, it's part of the process.

9 days out from moving day.  Then I'll have a couple of weeks of packing, organizing, caring for mom post surgery, and running my fourth half marathon with a friend (woohoo!).  I promise to be back after that point with another amazing, hard hitting, investigative blog entry.

In the meantime I leave you this link--the results you get from a search on Etsy for 'autism'.  What interests me most are the weighted blankets.  I need to research what the purpose is of those...and that will be for a post after I am done transitioning.

God bless you all,

EA

Socialization, preschool, and my Aspie brain

Happy Monday morning, everyone!

I was inspired to write this post based on my observations of the four year old son of my best friend.  Her son, let's call him David, is one of those kids who is truly amazing.  He's smart, sneaky, adventurous, generally well behaved, kind, and most of all, really, REALLY social.  I had the pleasure of camping for several days last week with David and his mom, my best friend whom we shall call Lynn, and I observed things about David and to some extent Lynn that truly baffled my poor Aspie brain.

The clearest example is when we went to a particular beach, and David felt no problem at all walking up to a girl his age, asking to play, sitting down, and playing.  Lynn had no problem talking to the girl's parents, and they sat there on the beach, total strangers, talking for over an hour (time I spent swimming in the lake, not wanting to deal with all of that pesky, difficult, social contact with strangers, despite how wonderfully nice they were).  I later asked Lynn about this--can you really just randomly talk to people? Play with strangers?  Doesn't this seem odd to you?  Does David do it?

Oh yes, Lynn said, I love talking to people.  And so does David.  He's very social, and loves being with people. And I love meeting new friends that way.  It's fun!

I simply goggled.  Even though I have to believe what I saw with my own eyes, my Aspie brain simply could not compute.  To me, the idea of randomly talking to strangers is, well, scary.  I sometimes do find myself getting into conversations with strangers in odd places, especially when waiting in line, and each time it happens I am left confused.  Many years ago, I even had someone in the next stall in the bathroom at a grocery store ask me for advice about whether she should keep her long distance boyfriend, or dump him. I sort of listened, but couldn't understand why she was talking to a total stranger about personal things (in  the bathroom no less, this was an overall strange situation).  I like to think I am warm and friendly, and I will answer questions if asked to some extent (do you like this beer?  Yes, it is great, and so is this one), but to sit down and have an hour long conversation with strangers?  Way, way out of my realm.  But not out of their realm, which made me realize that for all that I love them. and they love me, we are really different from each other.

The next thing that hit me is when we went to the Parent's night for the preschool David was about to start attending.  I  heard about sharing, about circles, about learning friendship, about playing, etc.  I saw the kids all immediately go out to the playground and start playing together (with supervision, of course!).  I saw David gabbing away with his best friend, and talking to the kids he'd never met.  I read the overview of the preschool and saw that talking to each other and socialization was a huge part of their curriculum.

And I saw that David LOVED it, that he was looking forward to it, and that he thrived in this environment.  I saw that he didn't need preschool for educational purposes, as his parents do an amazing job with that at home, but that he needed preschool because he needed, and wanted, the socialization.

Until this point, I had always sort of looked down on preschool, thinking that if it was feasible in terms of having a stay at home parent, it was better to teach the kid those things at home.  What I had failed to realize is that I was imposing my innate, ingrained fear of socialization onto everyone.  Why?  Because until I was diagnosed with having Autism Spectrum Disorder last year, I didn't really understand or believed that people actually liked to socialize and make friends with strangers and be with people all the time.  In fact, I still don't get it, and it still baffles me, but I have learned to accept that I have the unusual brain, and not everyone is like me.

At the same time, I am everlastingly grateful I was not in preschool, and in fact didn't go to public school at all until 3d grade.  I wish now, and read the Erudite Mom's post on the subject for more details, that I had been home schooled further.

The moral of the story is--preschool can be a very good thing for kids like David.  And it is a very, very bad thing for kids like me.  If I ever have kids, I will be sure to remember this lesson.

God bless you all,
EA

Erudite Aspie will return shortly...

Hello everyone...

I've been on a nice relaxing vacation, camping and spending time with family and friends, for the last little while. Accordingly, this time I have an excuse for not posting anything recently instead of forgetfulness which is usually the case.

Next up when I get back to real life...a discussion about pre school, socialization as a kid, why I am proud of my Godson, and why I drove my mom crazy When I was a kid. If you have any comments, experiences, or opinions on this matter please post them below and I will work them in!

Dios te bendiga,

EA

Getting diagnosed with ASD as an adult, part 2

I was inspired to write this post because more than one person has read this blog and has asked me questions about whether they, or someone they know, could possible have Autism Spectrum Disorder.  I always tell them, and I will state it here, that I have no official education or training this in whatsoever at all and I am NOT an expert and can't give a diagnosis.  That said, being on the Spectrum myself and knowing the research and the process I had to go through to get diagnosed does give me some insight.  What I normally do is ask a few questions, and depending on how they answer, I can usually say "I'd bet you do, but don't take my word for it, do research and try to find someone qualified in adult ASD to get you a diagnosis, and make sure you ask these questions and beware if they try to label you with this."  Accordingly, for all my friends seeking to find answers, here is a bit of information that might help.

First, if you are an adult and weren't diagnosed as a child, you will find it VERY difficult.  As a child you have resources in schools, in public health, etc--if you are anywhere on the autism spectrum, they will catch you.  But if you are an adult, especially if you are a smart adult who functions very well in life, you easily slip through the cracks.

This article pinpoints the problems with getting diagnosed as an adult pretty well:

 "Adults with ASDs are more likely to be recognized and supported if they also have severe intellectual disability; those with higher levels of functioning tend to be overlooked in the community."

Well, exactly.

You also find interesting bits of information like this.  The curious part is that men have a higher occurrence of ASD then women.  This strikes me as interesting, and in another post I will research it more thoroughly and confirm or disprove this article.

The best advice I have seen for an adult who thinks they might be on the Spectrum is here, and frankly, I'd rather find a more authoritative source, but I haven't found it yet.

Most importantly, it is good to have knowledge and information on your side, to look at blogs and other sites that have discussions with people on the Spectrum (Rethinking Autism is a good place to start), and to really have your ducks in a row before you approach a professional.  I was diagnosed incorrectly with Bipolar disorder several times before they got it right.  The clue?  If they have to work really hard to make you 'fit' with the DSM standards for having Bipolar disorder, you probably aren't Bipolar.  First I was Bipolar II, then I was Cyclothymic, then I had Bipoloar Spectrum disorder, and on and on it went.  I finally sat down with my Psychiatrist and told him as odd as it is for me to tell you my diagnosis is wrong as you are the professional and I am not, I have done my research and I am very self aware, and I am NOT Bipolar.  I have Autism Spectrum Disorder.  I then used the DSM other materials to lay out all the reasons I wasn't bipolar, and all the reasons I did have ASD.

He looked at me for a minute without speaking, then said, you are absolutely right.  You have Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It was a proud moment.

Good luck to all who are still seeking to find the truth!

God Bless,

EA

Autism Spectrum Disorder--the root causes.

Hello everyone--

There is a question that lingers in the mind of everyone touched by those on the Autistic Spectrum--what causes it?  I had a fellow classmate do a pathology poster about ASD in my summer school class and she spoke of finding genetic links.  I hadn't heard that, but it got me curious.  So the former librarian kicked into full research mode, and here I present what I found.

First, I dug out some interesting nuggets from the National Institute of Health. This page lays out a lot of useful and interesting information about ASD, but the key paragraph for the purpose of digging out the root cause is here:

Current research points to brain abnormalities as the cause of AS.  Using advanced brain imaging techniques, scientists have revealed structural and functional differences in specific regions of the brains of normal versus AS children.  These defects are most likely caused by the abnormal migration of embryonic cells during fetal development that affects brain structure and “wiring” and then goes on to affect the neural circuits that control thought and behavior.  

For example, one study found a reduction of brain activity in the frontal lobe of AS children when they were asked to respond to tasks that required them to use their judgment.  Another study found differences in activity when children were asked to respond to facial expressions.  A different study investigating brain function in adults with AS revealed abnormal levels of specific proteins that correlate with obsessive and repetitive behaviors.  

The page goes on to explain that although the genetic link is obvious, as Autism tends to run in families, no specific gene has been identified as a cause. Instead, researchers believe it is probably a group of genes.  With this in hand, I continued my digging and found this highly tecnical abstract which seems to imply that they are starting to get a grasp on which genes may be involved.  This is expanded in this Nature article that is also highly technical (well over my head, I have to admit).  It is also clear when reading the links that the reason why ASD is so hard to identify, understand, and diagnose, is that it really does express itself differently in everyone who has it.  This makes logical sense.  If a group of genes is responsible, each person on the Spectrum is going to have different genes in that group tweak different ways.  The, lets say combinations, of things that can go wrong are going to be different for everyone.

What does this tell us?  First, there is a genetic link, the answer to why people have Autism is in our genes, and doesn't that makes sense?  In a technical,  biological sense, our genes are responsible for coding us, making us who we are, and if we are born with a disease or disability or a talent or genius or anything else, it is going to come down to the genes.  Which doesn't mean we will always be able to understand how it works.  How fascinating science is, that slowly, we start to get a glimpse.

One other thing to ponder--from what I read here, and what I understand, Autism in all of its many variants is not something you can cure.  It is what it is, hardwired into your brain.  Not a disease.  Just a rewiring of the brain which means we do things in different ways.  Accordingly, we don't need a cure.  What we need is knowledge, training, practice, and understanding.

God bless you all,

EA