The reason, but NEVER the excuse

OK, time to tackle a hard topic.

I am friends on FB and in real life with a fair number of people who either are somewhere on the Autism Spectrum or are parenting someone on the Autism Spectrum, everything from classic Autism to people like me, who seem fine on the surface unless you know what is in the brain.  I see many such posts about how we have to understand and be more accepting of bad behavior from Autistic kids because they don't have control over it, and we need to understand the differences between a bratty kid temper tantrum and an Autistic meltdown. And to some extent, this is true.

But, and here is where people might disagree with me, HAVING AUTISM IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE A BRAT.

Whew.  I said it.

The thing is, if you are anywhere on the Autistic Spectrum you DO have meltdowns.  These are totally understandable to someone who knows the etiology of Autism.  And yes, as a society who cares about our children struggling with a true mental disability or at least a challenge, we need to be understanding.  And if you are a parent who has a child in the middle of the meltdown, it is absolutely essential to figure out then practice what buttons you can press to calm them down, or avoid triggering an attack all together if you can prevent it.  If you are a friend of someone on the Spectrum who is having a meltdown, you should certainly be calm and understanding and help them out.  Because we are not doing this on purpose.

BUT.  If your child is screaming in the middle of the grocery store because he is having a meltdown, it is NOT OK for him to be doing this  You need to take him away and calm down.  If your child gets everything they want because they have a meltdown when they don't get their way, this is NOT OK.  They will get spoiled.  And if they behave badly in every social situation this is NOT OK.  You need to either remove them from the situations, or train them to handle them, or both.  If you treat your friends badly and alienate them continually, even though they try to be understanding and helpful, you don't deserve to have those friends.

You see, being an Aspie is hard.  It is hard for me to hold conversations with people (though it is much better than it used to be).  It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut and be politic and not hurt people's feelings.  It is hard for me to pay attention to any given conversation to make sure I say enough to be interested, not so much I dominate the conversation, to try and know if people are interested though I can't read body language to save my immortal soul.  It is hard to not fidget so much.  It is hard for me to be on the phone.  It is hard for me to let go of upset or frustration or worry so I can move on with life.  It is hard for me to not dissect every conversation I have with people for hours after it happened worried that I made  a mistake somewhere along the line.

But society, manners, culture, the mores of good behavior dictate that I do these things.  And while understanding of others is nice, the plain fact of the matter is that the burden of learning to deal with society and maintain friendships and have good behavior lies on me.  Not society.  I can hope society may  forgive me my slip ups, and I certainly hope I can learn to forgive myself for making mistakes.  I can understand it is hard for me, and avoid situations I know I can't handle. I can work hard to gain the tools needed to function in society in such a way that people don't know I am an Aspie.  And through sheer determination, a stubborn mother, and the grace of God, I have managed to do these things.  Mostly.

But at the end of the day my Asperger's is a reason these things are hard for me.  It is the reason I end up exhausted after every social day,  even when I have had a good time.  It's the reason I am so often frustrated.  But if I treat someone badly, if I commit an egregious social faux pas, if I have a meltdown and cause a scene rather then leaving until I can calm down, that is on me.  Society doesn't have to conform to me.  I have to conform to them.

Because Asperger's may be the reason, but it is never, never the excuse.

My love/hate relationship with the family reunion

Let's start this post off by doing something I've never done before, and add a picture!  This is the Oates section of the family, being the daughters, grandchildren, adopted grandchildren, future husband, significant other, and best friend in the whole world.  We consider the term 'family' loose, broad, and having almost nothing to do with, you know, actual blood relations.

So.  Our family reunion happens every Memorial Day at King City, CA, and we just finished celebrating it for the 26th time.  I have never missed a reunion.  It was started by my Grammy and Grandaddy and started quite small, but grew until we now have an average of 100 people that come at least a day, if not the whole weekend.  It starts slow on Friday night, kicks into gear Saturday, and the full blown celebration happens Sunday.  Monday is cleaning, packing, and saying goodbye for another year.  Food and beverages of all kinds (especially alcoholic kinds!) are in abundance, you can always find a deck of cards, there is park to wander through and a river to play in, and a group of guys even plays golf on Sunday afternoon.  It is, in short, a fun family filled weekend.  Because of the reunion I know my cousins--and my second and third cousins and all of the removed cousins as well.  I've met my family from Germany, and all across the US.  A one point I believe we had 6 generations represented, until my uncle died in his 90s as the last of his generation.  We talk, we eat, we  play, we have fun.  It is a good time.  I happen to love the vast majority of my relatives so seeing them at least once a year is a treat.  My sister of the heart and my best friend comes, and I just love being with them for a few days that spread out before us with nothing to do but just...be together.  And relax.  And eat waaaaaay too much.

The highlight is Sunday night when we have a huge and yummy BBQ dinner and have the Milestone cake.  Birthdays, pregnancies, marriages, graduations, and if you hit a home run for the first time ever or got a gold star for perfect attendance in your Kindergarten class, we celebrate them all with enthusiasm.  And we mourn and honor those in our family who shook off that mortal coil in the previous year. It's a good, fun, uniting time.  

That's the LOVE.  

But there are things I hate about the reunion too.  First, there are just TOO Many people, which is funny because it is also one of the best things.  I can sometimes handle it because I have been to the reunion enough that my brain knows exactly what is going to be said to me and what I have to say in return.  It's a if this person says A, then I say A, B, C type of thing.  I may appear comfortable and verbal and calm and outgoing, but in reality my brain has simply processed the rhythm of the reunion so I fake it pretty well. Also, as I said, I genuinely LIKE my family.  But with so many people I sometimes feel hemmed in overwhelmed, and needing to escape.  For example, this year I spent some time with just a couple of people at the tent because I had to get away.  I'm used to it, and I can fake it, but DANG it exhausts me.  Just wipes me out.

Second, one of the ways in which my Aspie manifests itself is that I  just have a hard time letting things go. If I make a mistake or if something wrong happens, I get eaten with worry--not so much guilt, but worry--about it all weekend.  If someone says something that hurts me, I have a hard time relaxing around them.  If I am upset by someone, I have a hard time just ignoring it and letting it go.  I won't go into particulars as to the why in order to preserve someone else's anonymity, but this year I had a mini breakdown Sunday morning because I was just so very worried and angry about a situation it took over my brain the whole time. Thus, the reunion becomes for me an emotional roller coaster at times that shakes me up and doesn't stop.  

So. to sum up, though I love it every year and look forward to Friday night, by the time Monday comes I am glad it is over.  

No matter what, though I LOVE my family, I love my reunion, and no matter what you will see me there year after year.  It's just what we do.

Random question of the night

OK, here is the situation.  Let's say you have intimate acquaintance with someone and know that they are basically an awful human being.  And let's be honest everyone, awful human beings do exist and we all know at least one. 

AND, let's just say that this person is so good at appearing affable that everyone says well they may have their flaws but they are just so nice, so affable!  

Doesn't that just make your head want to explode?  Don't you want to say no, they are NOT affable!  Look at the actions!  Look at how rude, patronizing, lying, cheating, lazy, passive aggressive, self centered, and selfish this person is!  This person is a horrible human being!  Arg!

Well, I sure as heck do.  It drives me crazy.  It is very, very hard to remain politic.  And sometimes I just can't hold it in.

In other news, I had a bad few hours today with a certain someone. 

And my readers?  You are all awesome of course!

Highlander Clare is not an Aspie

OK, I'm squeezing in one more post before leaving for our Annual Family reunion this Friday.  My love/hate relationship with the family reunion is something I'll post about next week, but first, I want to write about something that has intrigued me quite a bit recently.

To give some background, I, alone with the Erudite Mom, are part of a historical reenactment guild called Saint Andrew's Noble order of the Royal Scots.  What we do is reenact the court of Mary Queen of Scots in 1562, right after she came back from France, when she toured the country in Scotland in an attempt to learn about the people she ruled but had never known.  It's great, great fun, think of the best of Renaissance Faires and Scottish Games all rolled into one.  We are huge history buffs, so this was a natural.  And the garb, OH the garb is so much fun!  The people in the guild are wonderful, and the beer is awesome.

At this point, the person with an average knowledge of Asperger's is probably thinking, how the HECK can an Aspie do this?  It requires being around people all the time, and not just being around them, but communicating and interacting with them.  This hits about every Aspie stress button there is.

I must admit that I had some hesitation when I joined.  But here is the rub--my character in the guild is Highlander Clare MacAndrews, and I along with my mother Jenn are the Queen's royal mead makers and brewers.  The time we are at Faire I am always Clare, immersed completely in the experience.  I live in 1562.  I dress in period appropriate clothes, I speak in the best Faux Renaissance era Scottish accent I can muster, I only use wood and metal and leather, and I carry my tankard on my belt.  

In short, I am not myself.  

And Clare is not an Aspie.

It took me a bit to figure out just how I can pull this off and I finally figured it out--I am ACTING.  Aspies suck at small talk and we can't read people, but tell us exactly what to do, have us play a role, and we are good to go.  I am acting like Clare, I become Clare, and I am fine.  I have my role, my place, and in such a defined setting with defined tasks I am comfortable as can be.

I must admit, it is a wonderful thing indeed to be normal here and again.

God save Her Majesty!

And heck, the rest of us as well. :)

A month in Europe...or not?

Oh, the difficult decision I face!

The Erudite Mom has long since been planning to be gone in June to spend a few weeks spending the Erudite sister in Hull, do some traveling in England, then swing to Norway for a few days to visit my brother.  I was jealous, sure, but there is always time to travel, I've done my share of traveling, I was in Italy 3 years ago, etc.  And plus, we have animals.  Seven cats, a dog, two turtles, and a bearded dragon.  Someone has to take care of the animals.

THEN, she said she was planning on going to Edinburgh.  And Stonehenge.

Big, fat, whimper.  NOW I want to go.  Badly.  A lot.

I would miss a half marathon and my chance to finish the Tour de Fit series put on by Change of Pace.  And some Guild events.  And now that I think about, Chuck signed up for that race just to do it with me.  I can hardly back out.  But...Edinburgh.

So it must be decided, do I throw financial caution to the winds for such a fabulous trip (though it would be a budget trip due to not having to get hotels or eat in restaurants and having a car in England)?  Does mom find a student we can trust to take care of the animals (the dog can stay with my aunt, that one is easy)?  Should I?

There are worse dilemmas to face. :)

Musical postscript to today's post.

This song says it best.  Sorry it won't embed...but clicking on a link isn't too hard, right?

The Shelter by Jars of Clay

When I am the sane one....

Something is wrong!

I have a friend deeply struggling right now (please pray for her all you praying types) and I am the one sole rational voice in her life.

And I'm an Aspie.

When I am acting as Highlander Clare in my Historical Reenactment Guild I am able to be with the patrons, talk to them, answer their questions, ad lib, and act, all in character, all without a blip of concern. My mom jokes--Clare isn't an Aspie.

And I'm an Aspie.

I have recently seen by action and been told by other people that I have truly been a force for positive and good in their lives--most especially in the areas of running or otherwise working out and getting fit.  A friend of mine, a new runner, just did her first 10K last weekend (and beat me!!!).  Another friend who has an injured hip nevertheless wants to do her first 5K this fall.  The ladies in the orthodontist office are talking about doing a mud run because I talked about how much I loved mine.

And I'm an Aspie.

And trust me, I AM an Aspie.  Boy oh boy do I have my moments.  This post highlights the worst of my recent moments.  And I have to have things in order, and I still think in patterns and love cycles.  And I can't read body language to save my life.  And my mom still has to nudge me when I talk to much or too loud every once in a while.

But through the grace of God and His power in my life, I have been able to be overcome the diagnosis and simply be.  A runner, a Christian, a friend, a confidante, an encourager.  This poor broken vessel of mine is made perfect by the grace of God, and I feel such joy knowing I've been able to be a force for good, for encouragement, for bringing some of the radiant joy God gives to my life to other people.   I can do it because HE does it through me, because my friends and family uplift and encourage me always, and because I have faith and hope and optimism in this world that so often tries to take all those things away.

So yes, I am an Aspie.  But I am so much more than that.

Praise the Lord!