Open question for Aspies, and employers

As an Aspie, is it a good idea to mention that you have Asperger's during a job interview?  

The cons, of course, are obvious, especially in this job market.  The pros, though, are that if you don't, and you end up in a situation that pushes your Aspie buttons, how can you get out of it?  

What, WHAT is the best thing to do?  Anyone who employs people, what is your advice?

I admit here and I now that I just don't know.  I don't have a clue.  And as it is a rather pertinent issue, well, please discuss and comment and elucidate!  If commenting here gives you fits (I HATE captchas), please comment on FB or Google+.

And maybe we will, working together, find the answer.  

Cheers!

EA

Erudite Aspie on the Hunt...

...for a job that is.

Being unemployed is distressful for anyone, but at least most of us could take a job that an Aspie would have a very hard time enduring.

Yes, I said enduring.

We all have a bad day at work now and then, maybe a bad week. And we all have coworkers that we might not get along with very well, or even dislike intensely.  But difference between we neurotypicals and our Aspie colleagues, is that we can recognize that the occasional bad day (okay, okay, or month) at work is just that--a bad day that is probably entirely out of our control.  And when someone is out to get us, we usually recognize it.

Aspies, not so much.  High or low, Aspies have a very hard time when things are not under their control.  When a coworker acts in what I consider an irrational way, well, I can shrug my shoulders and go about my business. Erudite Aspie cannot, at least not easily.  She used to ask me "Why don't they see that they are doing it all wrong?  If they would just listen to me they would do it right!"  Even though she now knows better than to ask the question, she still can't help but feel that way.

And nobody likes some extremely bright know-it-all telling them what to do, even if they are right.

Add to that the difficulty Aspies have recognizing when someone is out to get them, and you can see how many job situations are untenable for even high functioning Aspies. EA's last job was within her ability to cope right up until they put her in situations that she could not handle (or understand once she finally recognized it for what it was): a vindictive supervisor who used physical and emotional intimidation tactics, too much time on a public desk where she was subject to abuse by the patrons, and absolutely no support from management in general.  The last two years of her employment there were brutal, and I was so glad to see her shake the dust from there.

But the reality is that she needs a job, she wants a job, but she's getting very frightened about ever having a good one again, not only because of the horrible job market, and not only because her skill set is fairly limited (she's a librarian.  'nuff said), and not only because her last job was so horrific that she's actually afraid of getting into that sort of situation again, and not only because she's and Aspie, but...

...oh, wait...it is all of those things.  Sorry, my mistake.

What she needs is a job that plays on her strengths de-emphasizes her weaknesses. Yeah, everyone needs that, but it's much harder for people on the Spectrum.  What does she need?  Little face or voice contact with unknown people is very important.  She's extremely intelligent, so even if she doesn't know much at the outset, she will before long because she learns quickly and delightedly. She reads fast and comprehends much.  She knows her way around the Internet, and she writes very well, so written communication--unlike spoken--is easy for her. She is extremely organized and can find the easiest, most efficient way to do a job with great glee.  She would like to be respected for what she can do, which actually is a lot, and would love to have a job where her intelligence was admired rather than envied.  And if she could do it at home, score.

Not a lot to ask, except in this job market, where it is.  I hate to see her like this because it 's so very frustrating for her and there's nothing I can do to help her.  To parents of Aspie kids, beware of this.  If she'd known 20 or 30 years ago that there are just some things she will have a hard time doing, she could have made career choices that were a better match.  But but we didn't know, and she didn't.

And here we are.

My love/hate relationship with the family reunion

Let's start this post off by doing something I've never done before, and add a picture!  This is the Oates section of the family, being the daughters, grandchildren, adopted grandchildren, future husband, significant other, and best friend in the whole world.  We consider the term 'family' loose, broad, and having almost nothing to do with, you know, actual blood relations.

So.  Our family reunion happens every Memorial Day at King City, CA, and we just finished celebrating it for the 26th time.  I have never missed a reunion.  It was started by my Grammy and Grandaddy and started quite small, but grew until we now have an average of 100 people that come at least a day, if not the whole weekend.  It starts slow on Friday night, kicks into gear Saturday, and the full blown celebration happens Sunday.  Monday is cleaning, packing, and saying goodbye for another year.  Food and beverages of all kinds (especially alcoholic kinds!) are in abundance, you can always find a deck of cards, there is park to wander through and a river to play in, and a group of guys even plays golf on Sunday afternoon.  It is, in short, a fun family filled weekend.  Because of the reunion I know my cousins--and my second and third cousins and all of the removed cousins as well.  I've met my family from Germany, and all across the US.  A one point I believe we had 6 generations represented, until my uncle died in his 90s as the last of his generation.  We talk, we eat, we  play, we have fun.  It is a good time.  I happen to love the vast majority of my relatives so seeing them at least once a year is a treat.  My sister of the heart and my best friend comes, and I just love being with them for a few days that spread out before us with nothing to do but just...be together.  And relax.  And eat waaaaaay too much.

The highlight is Sunday night when we have a huge and yummy BBQ dinner and have the Milestone cake.  Birthdays, pregnancies, marriages, graduations, and if you hit a home run for the first time ever or got a gold star for perfect attendance in your Kindergarten class, we celebrate them all with enthusiasm.  And we mourn and honor those in our family who shook off that mortal coil in the previous year. It's a good, fun, uniting time.  

That's the LOVE.  

But there are things I hate about the reunion too.  First, there are just TOO Many people, which is funny because it is also one of the best things.  I can sometimes handle it because I have been to the reunion enough that my brain knows exactly what is going to be said to me and what I have to say in return.  It's a if this person says A, then I say A, B, C type of thing.  I may appear comfortable and verbal and calm and outgoing, but in reality my brain has simply processed the rhythm of the reunion so I fake it pretty well. Also, as I said, I genuinely LIKE my family.  But with so many people I sometimes feel hemmed in overwhelmed, and needing to escape.  For example, this year I spent some time with just a couple of people at the tent because I had to get away.  I'm used to it, and I can fake it, but DANG it exhausts me.  Just wipes me out.

Second, one of the ways in which my Aspie manifests itself is that I  just have a hard time letting things go. If I make a mistake or if something wrong happens, I get eaten with worry--not so much guilt, but worry--about it all weekend.  If someone says something that hurts me, I have a hard time relaxing around them.  If I am upset by someone, I have a hard time just ignoring it and letting it go.  I won't go into particulars as to the why in order to preserve someone else's anonymity, but this year I had a mini breakdown Sunday morning because I was just so very worried and angry about a situation it took over my brain the whole time. Thus, the reunion becomes for me an emotional roller coaster at times that shakes me up and doesn't stop.  

So. to sum up, though I love it every year and look forward to Friday night, by the time Monday comes I am glad it is over.  

No matter what, though I LOVE my family, I love my reunion, and no matter what you will see me there year after year.  It's just what we do.

Highlander Clare is not an Aspie

OK, I'm squeezing in one more post before leaving for our Annual Family reunion this Friday.  My love/hate relationship with the family reunion is something I'll post about next week, but first, I want to write about something that has intrigued me quite a bit recently.

To give some background, I, alone with the Erudite Mom, are part of a historical reenactment guild called Saint Andrew's Noble order of the Royal Scots.  What we do is reenact the court of Mary Queen of Scots in 1562, right after she came back from France, when she toured the country in Scotland in an attempt to learn about the people she ruled but had never known.  It's great, great fun, think of the best of Renaissance Faires and Scottish Games all rolled into one.  We are huge history buffs, so this was a natural.  And the garb, OH the garb is so much fun!  The people in the guild are wonderful, and the beer is awesome.

At this point, the person with an average knowledge of Asperger's is probably thinking, how the HECK can an Aspie do this?  It requires being around people all the time, and not just being around them, but communicating and interacting with them.  This hits about every Aspie stress button there is.

I must admit that I had some hesitation when I joined.  But here is the rub--my character in the guild is Highlander Clare MacAndrews, and I along with my mother Jenn are the Queen's royal mead makers and brewers.  The time we are at Faire I am always Clare, immersed completely in the experience.  I live in 1562.  I dress in period appropriate clothes, I speak in the best Faux Renaissance era Scottish accent I can muster, I only use wood and metal and leather, and I carry my tankard on my belt.  

In short, I am not myself.  

And Clare is not an Aspie.

It took me a bit to figure out just how I can pull this off and I finally figured it out--I am ACTING.  Aspies suck at small talk and we can't read people, but tell us exactly what to do, have us play a role, and we are good to go.  I am acting like Clare, I become Clare, and I am fine.  I have my role, my place, and in such a defined setting with defined tasks I am comfortable as can be.

I must admit, it is a wonderful thing indeed to be normal here and again.

God save Her Majesty!

And heck, the rest of us as well. :)

Aspies Unite!

First, where the HECK did the last month go?  Have I been living in a time warp?  Oof.

OK, on to our topic!  One of my Facebook friends suggested that I write about whether I can easily recognize Aspies, whether I know any, and whether I'd have appreciated having a mentor when I was younger.  The answers are usually, yes, and yes. But let me explain (because otherwise this post would be way too short).

As far as recognizing my fellow Aspies, I usually can but it does depend.  On the surface, when I first meet them, I sometimes can tell if they display some of the more obvious signs--bad at small talk, avoiding eye contact, etc.  Of course, being an Aspie myself, this sometimes goes right over my head.  You have to be REALLY nervous in a social situation for me to pick up on it, since I'm usually being hyper careful to not make a faux pas and to try and do everything right myself.  I have met some people I can peg as Aspies pretty early just from behavior and the topic of their conversation--If I am thinking that I would feel the exact same way and boy haven't I had that problem, I bet this person is an Aspie.  On a different level, I have had a few people message me privately and say you know, I've read your blog and I have this and this and this in common with you, and when this happens I react this way.  What do you think? Presented with this, it is VERY easy to tell.

Caveat:  I am NOT a trained professional.  I have never taken a Psych class.  I can't give an official diagnosis.  But then again, I was diagnosed incorrectly by more than one trained professional over the years.  So frankly, I trust myself.

As far as knowing people who are Aspies, I have actually met several on FB through Autism communities, friends of friends, etc.  I'm not shy about having Asperger's and those of us living on the Autism Spectrum seem to sort of come together through the glory of social networking.  It's nice hearing from them and sharing with them, I am so grateful for my FB Aspie friends!  I also have one friend who is also an Aspie, not officially diagnosed, but an Aspie nonetheless.  He does not talk about it publicly, so I shall keep his anonymity.  I can tell you though that over the past few months he has been a Godsend in that when I am struggling with Aspie induced difficulties and need advice or just need to vent, he has been there.  It is SO nice to have someone with this in common to talk with and I am grateful for FB for giving us the forum.  We recently had a long conversation that was full of you I do this, do you?  Yep.  Sigh.  Or no, but I do something similar.  It's the sort of stuff you almost have to be an Aspie to understand.

As to having a mentor--when I was growing up, if I  had known, it would have been helpful.  Very much so.  If I'd known an older Aspie who had been there and done that in the complicated mess of navigating being an Aspie AND public school AND puberty, well, it would have helped.  Then again, just knowing I  had Asperger's would have been a very nice then back then.  I can only be grateful to my mom for dragging me along as best as she could so I made it out fairly intact the other side.  Now, I appreciate the friendship and advice, but I no longer feel I need a mentor per se.  With the internet providing knowledge and without hormones shooting willy nilly through my poor body, I feel MUCH more in control.  At least most of the time.  And when I lose it, well, I have a friend to vent to.

God bless you all,

Erudite Aspie

Holy Moly, has it really been that long?

I swear, I have no idea how a month slipped by between posts.  I really don't.  Perhaps because taking care of my Dad has sucked up so much time and energy?  Or, maybe it is because I am spending so much time running and working out?  Or do I perhaps just not have anything to say?

Or maybe, just maybe, I suck at blogging.  :)

Anyway, with a strong desire to post something and in lieu of anything better to say, I give you this.  The Erudite Sister put it on my FB wall.  Because if you can't laugh at yourself...

May God bless us all, especially those of us with that insane Aspie brain he created...

Aspie as a Caretaker, ie why it has been almost four months since my last post

Hello everyone--

First, I am humbly ashamed, and quite chagrined, that it has been so long since my last blog post. I've not forgotten you all, I promise.  These past few months have been filled with activities that both are keeping me busy, and in one case, draining a goodly amount of my emotional energy every day.  And THAT is going to be the subject of this post.

First, for those that don't know, the Erudite Mom has thyroid cancer.  She's been battling the stubborn beast for 4 years now, and during the end of September through the holidays she was dealing with surgery and Radioactive Iodine treatment.  I have taken care of her during this time.  It is really much like tending for a child--you do all the cooking, cleaning, errands.  Fortunately for me,  my mother is undemanding and gracious.  And praise God, she is feeling much better now.  Though I may let out a gusty sigh when I have to empty the dishwasher yet AGAIN, being a caretaker for my mom was as easy as such things get.

Not so with my father.

I got a call the day after Thanksgiving from my Cousin informing me that Dad was in the hospital in emergency surgery.  Now, I knew my dad had issues and was seeing the doctor.  I was NOT prepared for it to get as bad as it did, as fast as it did, and put him into surgery.  Summarizing, my Dad had Charcot's disease in his left foot, meaning that all the bones in foot are soft, and they fractured.  Plus, he had several diabetic ulcers.  To make life more fun, his talus bone slipped out of one of the ulcers, got exposed to air, got infected, and managed to infect his entire foot before the bone itself died.  I'll spare the rest of the details, but let's just say that my dad's left foot and lower leg is in an external fixator called a Ilizarov frame (google yourself for pictures, they are slightly disturbing if you are squeamish so I don't want to link here) to hold it all in place, is non weight bearing, and will be for several more months. His right foot isn't much better, as it also has Charcot's disease and can only handle his considerable weight for the briefest amounts of time, like transferring from bed to wheelchair.

Although since November he has been in the hospital or in a Rehabilitation center, on Tuesday afternoon he is going home, complete with the necessary equipment and professional help to get him started.  I am going to be in charge of feeding him his low fat diabetic diet and making sure he does his PT every day.  Tomorrow and every Monday will be spent cooking a week's worth of food that can be heated up or eaten cold, as he can't cook.

I am sure you can imagine the rounds of Rehab visits, PT training visits (which was actually interesting for my exercise, science oriented brain), doctor's visits, errands, questions asked, phone calls, etc I have had to do.  And with him at home, I face yet more.

Now, this normally would be fairly exhausting, but I am unemployed.  I have all the time in the world, right?  And I'm tough, capable of prioritizing my time to the Nth degree and working hard with a purpose to get all accomplished.  I'm GOOD at this.

Except when faced with a father like mine.  A man who doesn't listen to half of what I say, ask half of what I need to know, or pay any attention at all.  A father who is in this situation ONLY because of bad decisions he has made in his life.  A father who has no problem lying to everyone around him to get what he wants.  A father who has no problem lying to medical staff right in front of me if it will save face, even at the cost of making me look cruel or incompetent.  A passive aggressive father who will flat out lie to your face in order to get you to shut up and then goes off and does whatever he wants.

My Neurotypical friends, imagine how this would make you feel.  Tearing your hair out yet?

Now multiply that feeling by a thousand, and you might understand how hard it is on the Aspie.

And this isn't going to end anytime soon, it will be well over a year (since they have to operate and put an external fixator on his right leg when the left leg is done) before he is healed, and he is always going to have troubles walking.  If he is lucky, and CAN walk again.  It's a horrible thing.  Moral of the story, if you are diabetic:  WATCH YOUR DIET AND CHECK YOUR FEET.

So, I just have to get used to this.  Realistically, it is way easier on me than those last few years working for Salinas Public Library were on the emotional front.  I also have the support of the Erudite Mom and Erudite Siblings, which helps to no end.

And when I get too stressed out, I just go out for a run.  There is a reason I run half marathons.

So pray for Dad, and pray for me, and I hereby promise to post more often.  As always, if you have a topic, put it in the comments!

God bless you all,

EA

Meltdowns, or when the Aspie takes over the brain

Hello everyone--

This is the story of my last major Aspie Meltdown.  If this sounds familiar to you, whether you are on the Autism Spectrum or not, please comment below, anonymously if you need to.  It's easier when you share. 

Last week I went to go pick up my brother at the Sacramento Airport. First, there was the slight difficulty of finding him, but it is a small airport so I figured it shouldn't be too hard. My first time around, a car was parked at the curb and the security guy was standing at its window, they had a space in front, so I signaled and started to pull into the curb. As I did this, the car pulled forward, and there was almost an accident. Then the security guy had the gall to knock on my window and tell me to be careful. I should have just ignored it but I said excuse me, I did nothing wrong, tell the car that almost hit me to be careful, shouldn't you be concerned ABOUT me for almost getting hit? He raised his voice at me and threatened to write me a ticket. I rolled up my window on him (I didn't see my brother and knew I had to keep driving), and when he knocked on the window I ignored him. When I came past again (I had to circle three more times trying to find my brother which seriously added to my stress) he found me again and told me the same thing again. I said look, this is what happened, you can see I am being slow and careful, leave me alone. By this time I was frustrated because I couldn't find my brother and already pre-meltdown. with the breath catching and the tears forming and the brain not working. I finally said look, I am trying to find my brother, I know his flight arrived, I have Asperger's and I am on the verge, please just stop. 

To his credit he did turn nice at this point and told me I could park at the curb for a few minutes if I had to, then told me where my brother should be, I was in slightly the wrong place. Soon after that I found my brother and he said where have you been, I've been waiting for an hour! I said, well I circled 4 times and I didn't see you. At that point, my brain pretty much exploded. I was crying, shaking, and I had a hard time breathing, and I could not THINK.  My brain literally froze, I couldn't form a single coherent thought. My brother was what's the big deal I'm in the car everything is OK now, and I was said I am an Aspie, I am having an Aspie moment, just deal, and be nice to me as I get past this, PLEASE. My brother is so confident and so disinclined to react emotionally to anything (he HAS strong emotions, he doesn't react emotionally)  that those of us who have moments of weakness and stress baffle him completely. I did finally calm down (and my brother did volunteer to drive which was kind of him but once I was out of the airport I was fine), but it took me several minutes to get back to normal. 

I felt so STUPID because I have traveled internationally (I flew into Hong Kong alone at the age of 23 and met up with people I had met only once and didn't speak the same language, though they were wonderful to me and I love them dearly, where I then went to teach in China for a  year), gone through customs and dealt with situations much more stressful than this with no problems at all.  I worked full time, went to graduate school full time, trained for a marathon, and prepared for major surgery all at the same time in the Spring of 2004 without a single meltdown of any kind. Sometimes, though, the wrong button is pushed and I just can't hold it together. I hate it, I hate being an Aspie, I hate that no matter how confident and smart and capable and as much of a problem solver as I am I am, I have moments where my my brain simply melts, the Aspie kicks in, and all the balls get dropped, I don't know what to do, and I cease to be able to function or do anything but panic.

What it is like--one part of your brain is logical and rational and saying this is no big deal, you can handle this, nothing is really wrong, everything is fine now, get over it. And the rest of my brain is in meltdown mode and I have no control over it at all. It's SO frustrating.

And though I am proud of the person I am, these are the moments I HATE being an Aspie.  I HATE not having the control.  And I struggle because when it is over, the biggest thing I feel is...

Shame.

True Friendship: it is possible for an Aspie

There are times when I am utterly amazed that I actually have friends.  I know this sounds odd, but as an Aspie, you tend to inadvertently make so many mistakes, so many social faux pas, that you automatically assume you will eventually insult and turn away anyone who was ever a friend to you.  That was my life, really, for all of high school and college.  

Then, in my mid twenties, I met my best girl friend ever (and yes, I know how teenager that sounds).  She's been my friend for 10 years now and I cherish her friendship, as well as rely on it.  She's been there for me through all the hills and valleys of life, and I hope I've been there for her.  It could be because she and I tend to be just a bit 'off'  in so many of the same ways that we are friends, but hey, it works!  She also introduced me to craft beer, a gift for which I can never repay her.  

I also want to mention and give credit  to three of my friends and former coworkers who have known me since I started working for Salinas Public Library.  They have truly been supportive and caring and just wonderful through all the hell I went through.  One of them, after I spent at least an hour venting and complaining about how tough my situation was and apologized afterwards for being so rude, simply said that is what friends are for.  We listen.  My other friend, understanding I am an Aspie, makes it a point to tell me things ahead of time if she thinks that they might come out in a time or place to cause me anxiety. The third not only does his best to cheer me up and make me laugh, but when I finally was officially unemployed, he packed up my entire cubicle and brought it my apartment for me so I wouldn't have to deal with going back into a building that caused me so much stress. I am staggered by the kindness they have all shown me.

And here, I mention only four people.  There are several others who have proven their deep and abiding friendship to me over and over.  There are times I still wake up and think, how do I deserve this?  I still sometimes wonder if maybe it will all be taken away.  

But my friends?  True and faithful, they understand me, and have stuck with me through the thick and thin of the last few years.  I sometimes feel like the luckiest person alive.  Friendship is a gift from God and I have been lavishly blessed.

So to all of them I say, thanks.  For being my friend.

Erudite Aspie will return shortly...

Hello everyone...

I've been on a nice relaxing vacation, camping and spending time with family and friends, for the last little while. Accordingly, this time I have an excuse for not posting anything recently instead of forgetfulness which is usually the case.

Next up when I get back to real life...a discussion about pre school, socialization as a kid, why I am proud of my Godson, and why I drove my mom crazy When I was a kid. If you have any comments, experiences, or opinions on this matter please post them below and I will work them in!

Dios te bendiga,

EA

An excellent conversation on a summer afternoon

Yesterday afternoon I had a very interesting, and in the end heartwarming, conversation with some of my classmates.

To put this into perspective, we had just finished a midterm, so were on that 'yay the midterm is done and I can rest a few hours before I have to start studying for the next test" high.  And believe me, during a summer school  anatomy and physiology class, the moments you can take a breather are few, far between, and very short.  I was outside resting in the 30 minute break before my lab session started, and they came up to my bench and started talking, in that way that all exam survivors do (and darn it, I got a question wrong on the exam.  Grrr...I HATE that).

This conversation started out differently because one of the woman was upset and annoyed with a classmate for basically hogging the teachers time and being overall rather obnoxious.  She then mentioned, I think this person has Asperger's though or Autism or something like that.  

I said, you know, I'M on the spectrum.  

And thus started a truly fascinating conversation.  They wanted to know what it was, how I knew, what I did about it.  I explained what has already been explained so much in this blog--how I am so much better now than I was when I was younger, the techniques I have learned to adapt, and the things I still just can't do and how I get around them.  Particularly, I explained how I absolutely lack the ability to read body language and tell if someone is bored or interested, telling a white lie to get me to go away, sincere or polite, etc.  I explained how the best way I have learned to handle it is to  have someone I trust cue me in whenever I needed to change my behavior, and tell me the truth about people's actual motivations.  I also discussed how by the grace of God the Erudite Mom managed to do all the right things for training and helping people on the Spectrum without even knowing it.  

Granted, I could be off base as I am an Aspie and have my limitations, but it felt like a very positive conversation.  One where I shared my story, helped them to understand another classmate, and interested them.  I do know that I forgot time and thus was a couple of minutes late for lab, which is horrible, but I'll forgive myself this time. As I was running to lab,  one of the women yelled after me "it was great talking to you--and I really mean it!".  Hearing that sort of warmed the cockles of my heart (though those famed cockles don't exist, I have now studied the basic anatomy of the heart and know!).

So for all those who are Aspies, sometimes it is a good thing to share.  And to those fellow classmates of mine at Monterey Peninsula College, thanks.  You really made my day.

Social Networks

One thing that is well-known about Aspies and others on the Autism Spectrum is the difficulty they have with general social interactions. Talking on the phone, face to face, it can be hard, but what's easy is the computer. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, e-mail, Skype, all are a boon to the Aspie (and her non-Aspie Erudite Mom!) because they can control the message in a timeframe that doesn't freak them out. It's a world-opening gift to kids like Gage, and to our own EA.

Something new burst on to the social media scene this week, Google+, which all the Aspies here have dived head first into. Will it rival Facebook (which we also use extensively) or Twitter (which EM uses)? Who knows, but if it's about communicating without angst, we're willing to give it a try. It's in Beta, buggy and slow, but it shows promise. We'll update as we become more comfortable it the saddle, and in the meantime, let us know how you like to communicate. And be sure to watch the vid about Gage over on PJTV.

SPL Part 3: The final crash before the happy ending

To continue from post two---

It was late spring, early summer 2010 when my mom heard about the high end of the Autism Spectrum, PDD-NOS and higher functioning autism and other connected diagnoses, she immediately thought of me, particularly me as a child and a teenager, and sent me a text message.  Previous posts have covered my process of self discovery, so I won't repeat myself here.  I WILL say that what I saw in this diagnosis (though it was hard to get an accurate one, they kept on wanting to say I was Bipolar, which I knew wasn't true) was the chance to not only improve my life in general by having a better understanding of how my brain works, but more importantly as a way to get some accommodations to help me in my work situation  I saw it as a chance to get a break, to get some understanding from management, and a way to get some relief.  My therapist and psychiatrist made it very clear that I did have Asperger's but that I mostly had it under control due to my own self-awareness, determination, and basic maturity.  However, the job environment in general and the attacks on me specifically pushed all of my Aspie buttons, as it were.  I would not need accommodations for my life in general, but for my own sanity I did need them for this job.

So, following the instructions from Human Resources, in August of 2010 my therapist sent off a letter explaining the situation and I waited. And waited.  And they decided they need clarification (though they didn't. they were just stonewalling), and I waited more.  Then in September I was called into the office by Maria Roddy, accused of wearing a skirt that was too short (it wasn't), improperly touched by Maria Roddy on the knee, and basically bullied and harassed.  And docked four hours of pay. In response to this, I filed a complaint against Maria Roddy for harassment.  Of course, the city hired outside investigator did not decide in my favor.  In December I was told I would for the second time not get my merit increase because of insubordination, the incident with the porn kid, and that I was generally a horrible person--nothing I had actually accomplished over the last year was mentioned.  This was of course on a Thursday night, the last hour of my work day, and the last day of my work week.  This sent me into a such a tailspin that I finally had to go to my GP doctor and get asked to put on stress leave.  When she saw that my blood pressure was 150/92 and that I broke down completely in her office, she gave it to me.

It was December 17th, and I was on medical leave for the next week.  The following week was Christmas and New Years, and I along with most staff already had that time off.  My hope was that in two weeks, I could get myself together enough to function and figure out what to do next.

On December 26th, 2010, I got an official letter from the city saying they were bringing charges of insubordination against me seriously enough that I would be punished by two days of no pay--all because of what had happened over three months ago in September and for which I had already been punished with 4 hours of no pay.  The letter was sent by the city manager Artie Fields on the urging of Elizabeth Martinez, and he had the gall to include the line "After listening to Elizabeth Martinez, I agree and find against you".  Really?  Without talking to me?

This sent me into perhaps the worse state I'd been in since this whole thing had started.  It was so egregiously unfair I could not handle it. I am ever grateful my mother, sister, and boyfriend were all there when I opened the letter.  Still, at that point I went back to my doctor and got her to give me two more weeks of stress leave. I still had very high blood pressure, my asthma had been acting up very badly, and I was at the absolute end of my rope. So she did, saying I could come back to work on January 16th, with very simple and doable accommodations that echoed the ones my Therapist had asked for back in August of 2010.  I got a call on January 8th, the city said they could not accommodate me, and I could not go back to work.  They didn't tell me why, but as they actually could have accommodated me and were doing this as part of their continual effort to get me to resign, they chose to not even bother trying to explain.

For the sake of brevity I will say that I tried filing for worker's comp and long term disability and was denied for technical reasons.  I tried to meet with the city and get back to work, I was stonewalled by the city's HR department (and my doctor didn't help much) on all fronts.  I figured very early that the City was stonewalling me to try to get me to give up and resign and get nothing.  Small of them, and it didn't work.  I NEVER give up.   The months between January and the end of May passed with great anxiety and uncertainty, and I didn't work at all.  That was the one blessing.  At least I wasn't back in the pit of misery.

I did, however, go to the Department of Fair Employment and Housing to file for discrimination on the basis of a disability and after a long phone interview (always hard for me!), they found my situation had enough merit to start a formal investigation.  This was the only thing I felt positive about the whole time, though I know DFEH investigations take a long time, because finally someone who could do something about it believed me.  I knew that A) I was pushing the right buttons and B) the city of Salinas was corrupt all the way up and I would get no help at all from anyone when the acting interim HR director of the City of Salinas, Kathryn Sakahara, sent an email to me by accident (it was meant for someone else in HR) that called me 'unbelievable' and a 'piece of work'.  So much for HR being unbiased, right?  Although that email hurt, it was a weapon I could used because it showed clear bias.

My last paycheck (after my vacation time was all used up) came in February and I lived on my savings as all of this was going on through May.  I went back and forth with the city, often having to wait weeks for their reply, and by May I was seriously sweating my financial situation.  My family helped where they could, but they didn't have much either.  I'd been denied worker's comp and long term disability and I right on the verge of going to my apartment complex to try and break my lease (they charge you about 3K to break a lease and it would have been a legal hassle I was not looking forward to) because I was simply and completely out of money.  Thanks to being debt free my expenses each month were minimal except for rent.  How to pay rent?  

So, when May 2011 started I was a basket case.  At this point I had come up with a plan for my future and decided what I wanted to do with my life and where to go back to school.  But how to pay the rent in the meantime?

I shall leave part three here but up next--The Happy Ending!

My story with the Salinas Public Library, Part I

Hello everyone--

This post has been a long time in coming because it has taken me a lot of time to figure out just what to say and how to say it.  I started this blog when I first was on medical leave for work, and in the intervening six months everything has changed.  I started this blog to write about my experiences being an adult woman on the high end of the Autism Spectrum, but my self discovery about being an Aspie is tied in with my experience of being a librarian for the City of Salinas and THAT is the story I need to tell.

I have worked in libraries since August of 2001, got my MLIS in 2005, and started working for the Salinas Public Library in 2006.  The first couple of years of my employment in Salinas everything was great.  I had a wonderful supervisor, and worked with wonderful people.  The patrons were nice, the policies were fair and balanced, and life was good.  At this time I had no idea I was an Aspie.  I knew that I often was hyper verbal and had to work darn hard to have good social skills, but this was so much a part of my life I took it for granted, and it had never been a problem before.

In 2008, everything changed.  First, a new Library Director was hired--Elizabeth Martinez.  A google search shows her to be a glowing paragon of the library world, but I had had the chance to talk with librarians who had worked under her in the past and learned that she was horrible to work for.  I learned from the she was autocratic, never listened to anyone else, was rude, and more importantly treated staff with an absolute lack of respect or recognition of professional expertise.  At about the same time, things changed around in upper management and I got a new supervisor--Maria Roddy.  Maria who had never been a librarian, who was absolutely incompetent at the job, and who has absolutely threatened by anyone smarter or better than she was--a fact that being an Aspie, sadly I did not fully understand until it was much, much too late.

Elizabeth and Maria together started immediately implementing policies that were detrimental to both the library and the staff, and truly the patrons most of all.  I will spare you the litany of what they did wrong and why it was wrong, but I can say that many, many people on staff were concerned.  Cue, myself.  At that time I was the union steward for the library.  I had been asked to do this because I am well spoken and had no fear to ask the hard questions and stand up for staff--I was always respectful and fair, but I did ask.  Consequently, as these policies were implemented and as the problems in them became glaringly apparent, I was asked by several staff members to to ask management about them and seek some sort of clarity and communication between staff and management,  all in my role of steward.  I also was forced to ask several questions on my own when a policy change influenced me directly.  At that point, I was truly just trying to be a voice for good, and a help.  I was all about finding solutions and doing the right thing, not accusing management of being incompetent.

Big, BIG mistake.  When you have a direct supervisor who reflexively fears anyone better than she is and a library director who refuses to listen to any challenge to her ideas or thoughts, and more importantly when both hold a grudge and are perfectly willing to retaliate in any way necessary...

Disaster.  Utter and total disaster.  And God help me, I didn't see the danger until it was way too late.

I shall say goodnight for now.  In a few days I shall post Part Two, in which the Erudite Aspie gets bullied and harassed.

And fear not--this story gets worse, but it DOES have a happy ending.

God bless,

EA

Homeschooling and the Autism Spectrum

Growing up, the hardest part of the Erudite Aspie's life was school. Not academically, she always did fine there, but as she's mentioned, the social aspect of it was torture for her--and, as her Mum, for me as well.

For the first three years of her education, I homeschooled her. I loved it, and she thrived, but she and her sister decided that they wanted to go to public school. I let them, but knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't. It's not that the school was bad, it wasn't. They had terrific teachers who were dedicated and caring and all that you want a teacher to be, but Erudite Aspie's fellow students, not so much. No matter how much she wanted to fit in, she didn't, couldn't.

Homeschooling wasn't as easy then as it is now with the internet, but it was doable, and it sure would have saved her a lot of heartache. I realize that you can't totally erase heartache from your kids' lives, but still...you don't do it on purpose, right?

With all this in mind I was very interested in this recent post on Ree Drummond's outstanding site The Pioneer Woman. PW isn't solely about homeschooling or about Autism, but she is homeschooling her four children and has several guest posters who are also teaching their kids at home, always worth reading. Last month one of her guests asked a question for a correspondent, Mary: Should we take our high-functioning autistic son out of public school and homeschool him? The debate was spirited and hugely supportive, and today she posts Mary's decision: yes, we should.

I think so, too, Mary, and God bless you for doing so. I truly believe that your son, like my daughter, will thrive at home, and can learn the social skills he'll need for adulthood in a more supportive environment than a public school (or any school, for that matter). For kids on the Spectrum, being forced into social situations is not the way to learn those necessary skills, in fact, if anything it's more likely to turn them away from social situations entirely. Autistic kids need to learn those skills by rote because they don't get them instinctively, and forcing them to deal without that training is not only ineffective, but counterproductive--and hurtful.

As a public school teacher--high school science--I heartily support home schooling, whether your kid is on the Spectrum or not. I hope my future grandchildren are homeschooled, and if their parents can't do it, I'd be happy to take a few hours out of my retirement days for some quality time with my kids' kids. No better contribution to their futures, sez I.

Hindsight is always 20-20, and while I do wish I had known then what I know now, I'm grateful that my daughter turned out pretty well despite our ignorance. Do I wish I could have saved her all that frustration? Sure, but as we often say to each other, Now we know. Everyone has painful times growing up, most of us come through adolescence unscathed nevertheless. But for those of you who are still in the position to make that schooling choice, especially if your child is on the Spectrum, I recommend you give it due consideration. I doubt you'll regret it.

I hate talking on the phone, and I have good reasons why!

Today I read an article on Brian King's excellent website about living in the Autism Spectrum called "I HATE talking on the phone".  This struck a chord, because as all of you know who have read my earlier posts, I do indeed hate talking on the phone.

Brian then enumerates the reasons why people on the Autism Spectrum tend to hate the phone.  When the phone rings, we are shocked, and we are immediately cast into a position where we are going to have to talk, and we don't know how long or for what reason, and we have no time to prepare.  Aspies can't just jump into conversation (except perhaps the casual hello, how are you, please and thank you forms of conversation you do every day as a matter of rote), we have to prepare.  The phone gives you no time to prepare.

I highly suggest reading his post yourself, but I'd like to talk about one other thing I find to be the most compelling reason for me personally--on the phone, you have to keep talking. You can't have silence on the phone, you are impelled to keep the conversation going and that is deathly difficult for Spectrumites.  I can't tell you the number of times I am on the phone and the silence has stretched and I just have no idea what to do about it.  Or the number of times I am on the phone and I have used up my ability to hold conversation (and this holds true for my friends and family and boyfriend, it isn't the person on the other side that is the problem but the mode of conversation itself) and I REALLY want to end the call but can't figure out how to do so politely.  

Electronic communication, in contrast, allows you to communicate on your own time.  It allows you to prepare what you want to say.  There are no awkward silences in email.  No figuring out how to end a conversation without being rude.   Plus, tools such as email and facebook allow communication with many people at once, which is FAR more productive and a time saver.  Try organizing a family reunion for 100 people solely by phone calls...talk about inefficient.  

And to some people I know (none of whom read this blog though!) don't judge those of us that hate the phone.  If you never own a computer or have an email, relying solely on phone (and no texting!), I might think you are crazy and not using time well but I believe you have the right to communicate how you want.  Give me the same courtesy.  And never, never think electronic communication isn't 'personal' enough.  Try it, THEN try and tell me that.

One last note...while this are good reasons that Aspies hate the phone, but I am related to several neurotypicals that feel the exact same way for the exact same reasons.  Are you like that?  Let me know in the comments.

Cheers, EA

Why we have regrets, and why we shouldn't

Today, an old friend of mine from my college days tagged a picture of a bunch of people we knew back then on Facebook.  It was taken at the house where we used to live, a year after I left, and about half of the people were familiar to me.  Seeing this picture, remembering my year of living with so many of those people in my crazy senior year at UC Berkeley filled me with a lot of sweet nostalgia...

But also a ton of regret.

Regret of the times I was careless of other people's feelings.  Times I let my emotions get totally out of control.  Times I thought that if I didn't want to go to a mandatory meeting, I didn't have to, and didn't bother to hide my feelings on the matter.  Times I complained bitterly about installing water saving shower heads because it made it much harder for me to wash my very long and thick hair (though for the record, those water saving shower heads do suck!).  Times I figured I could play whatever music I wanted however loudly I wanted and never mind my roommate and my neighbors.  Times I didn't do the dishes because I wasn't in the mood and used the excuse they needed to soak, then complained when others did the same.  Times I put pressure on people to like me and want to hang out with me when you know...for the most part, they didn't.

Times, in other words, when I was being my very worst Aspie self.

It pains me to know how badly I behaved, how callously I treated people, and all without really intending to.  I am sure I wasn't always bad--I like to think I have a basic streak of decency and compassion, and one of the people who I lived with did ask me to be her maid of honor so it couldn't have been all bad--but I remember the times I was my worst self and I regret.  I regret deeply.  And I am ashamed of my actions.

The thing is, I was an Aspie, I have always been an Aspie, and I didn't know it.  Just had no clue in 1997-1998 that I had a brain that was wired differently.  I can see now my horrible social rudeness and ineptitude, but at the time, I just didn't.  I didn't know, had no way of knowing, and without knowledge had no way of doing it differently.

If I had known then I was an Aspie, I could have shared it with people, and they would have helped me. I lived with a group of truly wonderful people and I know beyond doubt that if my Asperger's had been a known fact at that time, they would have understood me more, helped me handle it, and been more patient.  And I, if I had known, would have been able to work even harder to overcome the social shortcomings.

But that didn't happen.  And now, sitting at my desk in 2011 almost 13 years after graduating from Berkeley, I just have to forgive myself.  Let it go.  Accept it as part of the cost of being an Aspie without knowing it, focus on the wonderful friends and boyfriend I have now, and stop mourning over what could have been 13 years ago.

Because it is OK to have regrets, but it isn't OK to let them control your life.  And the God I believe in doesn't teach being ashamed, but teaches us we should ALL press on to that goal He has promised us...one day at a time.

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Hello everyone!

Sorry for the lag in blogging...darn that whole life thing.  But I am back, and today I am going to choose to discuss something that I don't think anyone really likes over much--waiting.

Waiting.  In this world, we wait everywhere.  At the dentist, at the grocery store, behind a red light.  We wait for paychecks, and letters.  We wait for good news--is the baby born yet?  We anxiously await to hear if we got into college or got the job.  And we wait for the scary and sad--is it a tumor?  Was the surgery successful?  

The wonderful modern era we live in has provided us with an infinite number of ways to distract and entertain ourselves during waiting.  I, for example, have a smart phone and use it to check email, Facebook, play Angry Birds or solitaire or Tetris, and check the news while I wait.  In the days before smart phones, I always, and I do mean always, had a book with me so I could read while waiting.

The thing is, as an Aspie, I am constitutionally incapable of waiting without something to occupy my mind.  I simply can't do it.  In fact, trying to do it drives me just a bit crazy (short trip, pack light, I know).  I just get, well, bored.  So I find something to do to occupy my brain.  

I am pretty sure that this is one thing my Aspie brain has in common with the Neurotypical brain.  Do you agree?  

Vastly Improved, AKA, are you sure you are an Aspie?

It is quite interesting when I talk to people that have known me only for the last two or three years and try to tell them I am an Aspie, because they don't see it, and they don't get it.  I explain to them what it means to be Aspie and the basics of Asperger's Disorder and being on the Autism Spectrum and they look at me with genuine bafflement..."Wow, I am glad you know, but are you sure?  I don't see this with you at all".

My answer--first, I hide it really, really well.  And second, you should have seen me when I was a teenager and into my early 20s.

Imagine your teen years, and going through puberty.  Now imagine going through the same thing while having Asperger's or being on the Autism Spectrum.  I cringe at what a tough time I had, and how hard I made it on others, and how many people I hurt or offended or turned off because I just. Didn't.  Get it.  And I was way too stubborn to even contemplate the idea that I could, in fact, be wrong.  I suggest you all read the Erudite Mom's post on emotions for further details on this from the one who was right there with me the whole time.

It was not until my mid twenties that I finally had the epiphany that even though I thought so many of the social niceties were stupid, and even though I hated small talk and didn't do well at all in groups of large people, and even though I just didn't get any of this at all--well, I was going to have to buckle down and learn some social skills and basic diplomacy for relationship building.  It took learning it by habit, training, and rote, and NONE of it was instinctive.

It still isn't instinctive.  The only reason I seem to have 'good social skills' now is because I have learned what to say and how to say it and what to look for.  And this is not an easy or a natural process for me.  I have to be on my toes and paying attention and focusing on everything I do and say every second of a social interaction.  I can't let my guard down at all, or I will inevitably do the wrong thing and make a fool of myself.  My brain still doesn't understand why I have to do it, but I have accepted that I DO, and so I practice and fake it, and I'm lucky in my friends that still love me and are forgiving of my slip ups.  They also are good at cuing me if I am heading down the wrong road so I can stop myself from making an egregious mistake--more on that in another post.  The end result of this is that I leave social interactions absolutely exhausted, even when I've had a good time.

So yes, I am an Aspie.  If you can't tell, then that means I did it correctly.  If you can tell, well, please forgive me, and let's try and get past it and be friends, OK?  I promise, I really do like you.  And I'm worth getting to know.

People Who Need People

A post on EA and social interactions and why the two are like water and oil. They can be mixed but eventually they will always separate by Erudite Sister.


Today I wish to discuss my sister and crowds of people. For many of us being around a group of people is hardly a panic inducing, especially when several of them are people we know fairly well. We might not necessarily enjoy the situations in which we find ourselves. I don't like crowds of people and I'd rather be at home with a few people than in some crowded place forced to talk to people I don't know. Neither does my sister. The main difference between the two of us is that I can handle it; she can't.

One such example is the full blown anxiety attack she had at our cousin's wedding several years ago. It was a very nice outdoor wedding at a winery. Granted EA wasn't the only hungry person getting patient for the newly married couple to show up so we could eat. However, she was the only who got physically ill being in an enclosed room with two hundred of her closest strangers.

EA had brought a book to read during the off times during the wedding. The three of us told her to put the book away as it was pretty rude to read at a social function. She didn't exactly agree and became quite agitated when she was eventually forced to put the book away. Erudite Brother tried to reason with her. It was our impression that she was overreacting and being dramatic. EA has been known to be overly dramatic when people just didn't listen to her and see things her way.

Though she is much better at dealing with large groups of people now, at the time she had a very hard time interacting and making small talk with people she doesn't know or know well. What exactly is one supposed to say to the bride's great-aunt who wants to know who you are and how you know her niece? For most of us we put a nice smile and say that we're cousins to the groom and that his mother is our father's sister. We might even say that we don't know the bride well but we've met her a few times and we thought she was quite lovely. We might even make some comment about how lovely the ceremony was and how much we liked the bride's gown and we'd end the conversation by remarking how proud of her niece the aunt must be.

Someone like my sister doesn't get small talk. She would never go up to a complete stranger and just talk to them unless she believed they had something in common. That a complete stranger would come up to her and start talking as if they knew each other is not within her parameters of things that make sense. And so she freezes. She hates small talk, doesn't understand the purpose of it. It's pointless and makes absolutely no sense. And knowing that she is going to be expected to talk to someone's Great Aunt Muriel* about random things is something that is going to cause her a bit of anxiety.

The logical assumption would be that she would feel anxious being around any large group of people, after all, no matter where you go there will always be those instances of small talk. It would also be logical to assume that going somewhere like Disneyland would give an Apsie like EA fits to be surrounded by so many people. The difference is expectation. Different social groups have different expectations.

At our family reunions EA has never had any anxiety attacks. She has a pretty good idea as to who is going to be there and what they expect of her. She knows that her great aunts are going to want to know about her work and love life and she has answers ready for them. She knows that her cousins are going to ask about her job and her love life and she has answers ready for them too. And then she has outs. She knows that she can escape when it gets to be a bit too much. And she does. No one expects her to be front and center all day every day. And if she chooses to sit in a corner and read the day away no one is going to accuse her of being anti-social. Someone might come and talk to her, make her play a game or two of cards but she knows that she can escape.

Similarly when we go somewhere where there are just gads of people, she knows that she doesn't actually have to interact with anyone she doesn't know. She doesn't have to smile and think of witty answers to questions nor does she have to pretend as if she cares about the orange taffeta dress the maid of honor wore that clashed with her red hair. She doesn't have to pretend she noticed that the maid of honor had red hair or that her dress was a summer color when it is obvious the MOH is a winter person. My sister doesn't even know what that means. God bless her.

What I have found to be helpful to my sister in cases where I know that floundering is to take over the conversation. EA has voiced her frustrations in small talk over the years. I have never understood why she can't just make small talk. It's not hard. It's been frustrating for me to understand why she always has a problem with something as simple as small talk. It's pointless conversation that you don't always mean and isn't really important. A concept she also doesn't understand.

But as she is my sister and I love her I have taken to watching her and noticing signs of distress. If I feel that she is at her limit I interject myself into the conversation and take over. I have no problems with commandeering a conversation and doing all the talking. It's easy for me and EA knows that, so long as I am talking she isn't expected to contribute to the conversation.

Again, it all boils down to expectations. If she knows what is expected of her in a conversation or if she knows that she doesn't have to worry about talking too much or too little then she isn't going to be anxious.

To make an Aspie's life easier when going into any social setting, help them know exactly what they are expected to do or say and I am sure that they will be grateful for the assistance.

Heck, your favorite aspie might even begin to expect it.


*Not to be confused with Great Aunt Agnes or anyone who is real or living.