Erudite Aspie on the Hunt...

...for a job that is.

Being unemployed is distressful for anyone, but at least most of us could take a job that an Aspie would have a very hard time enduring.

Yes, I said enduring.

We all have a bad day at work now and then, maybe a bad week. And we all have coworkers that we might not get along with very well, or even dislike intensely.  But difference between we neurotypicals and our Aspie colleagues, is that we can recognize that the occasional bad day (okay, okay, or month) at work is just that--a bad day that is probably entirely out of our control.  And when someone is out to get us, we usually recognize it.

Aspies, not so much.  High or low, Aspies have a very hard time when things are not under their control.  When a coworker acts in what I consider an irrational way, well, I can shrug my shoulders and go about my business. Erudite Aspie cannot, at least not easily.  She used to ask me "Why don't they see that they are doing it all wrong?  If they would just listen to me they would do it right!"  Even though she now knows better than to ask the question, she still can't help but feel that way.

And nobody likes some extremely bright know-it-all telling them what to do, even if they are right.

Add to that the difficulty Aspies have recognizing when someone is out to get them, and you can see how many job situations are untenable for even high functioning Aspies. EA's last job was within her ability to cope right up until they put her in situations that she could not handle (or understand once she finally recognized it for what it was): a vindictive supervisor who used physical and emotional intimidation tactics, too much time on a public desk where she was subject to abuse by the patrons, and absolutely no support from management in general.  The last two years of her employment there were brutal, and I was so glad to see her shake the dust from there.

But the reality is that she needs a job, she wants a job, but she's getting very frightened about ever having a good one again, not only because of the horrible job market, and not only because her skill set is fairly limited (she's a librarian.  'nuff said), and not only because her last job was so horrific that she's actually afraid of getting into that sort of situation again, and not only because she's and Aspie, but...

...oh, wait...it is all of those things.  Sorry, my mistake.

What she needs is a job that plays on her strengths de-emphasizes her weaknesses. Yeah, everyone needs that, but it's much harder for people on the Spectrum.  What does she need?  Little face or voice contact with unknown people is very important.  She's extremely intelligent, so even if she doesn't know much at the outset, she will before long because she learns quickly and delightedly. She reads fast and comprehends much.  She knows her way around the Internet, and she writes very well, so written communication--unlike spoken--is easy for her. She is extremely organized and can find the easiest, most efficient way to do a job with great glee.  She would like to be respected for what she can do, which actually is a lot, and would love to have a job where her intelligence was admired rather than envied.  And if she could do it at home, score.

Not a lot to ask, except in this job market, where it is.  I hate to see her like this because it 's so very frustrating for her and there's nothing I can do to help her.  To parents of Aspie kids, beware of this.  If she'd known 20 or 30 years ago that there are just some things she will have a hard time doing, she could have made career choices that were a better match.  But but we didn't know, and she didn't.

And here we are.

Meltdowns, or when the Aspie takes over the brain

Hello everyone--

This is the story of my last major Aspie Meltdown.  If this sounds familiar to you, whether you are on the Autism Spectrum or not, please comment below, anonymously if you need to.  It's easier when you share. 

Last week I went to go pick up my brother at the Sacramento Airport. First, there was the slight difficulty of finding him, but it is a small airport so I figured it shouldn't be too hard. My first time around, a car was parked at the curb and the security guy was standing at its window, they had a space in front, so I signaled and started to pull into the curb. As I did this, the car pulled forward, and there was almost an accident. Then the security guy had the gall to knock on my window and tell me to be careful. I should have just ignored it but I said excuse me, I did nothing wrong, tell the car that almost hit me to be careful, shouldn't you be concerned ABOUT me for almost getting hit? He raised his voice at me and threatened to write me a ticket. I rolled up my window on him (I didn't see my brother and knew I had to keep driving), and when he knocked on the window I ignored him. When I came past again (I had to circle three more times trying to find my brother which seriously added to my stress) he found me again and told me the same thing again. I said look, this is what happened, you can see I am being slow and careful, leave me alone. By this time I was frustrated because I couldn't find my brother and already pre-meltdown. with the breath catching and the tears forming and the brain not working. I finally said look, I am trying to find my brother, I know his flight arrived, I have Asperger's and I am on the verge, please just stop. 

To his credit he did turn nice at this point and told me I could park at the curb for a few minutes if I had to, then told me where my brother should be, I was in slightly the wrong place. Soon after that I found my brother and he said where have you been, I've been waiting for an hour! I said, well I circled 4 times and I didn't see you. At that point, my brain pretty much exploded. I was crying, shaking, and I had a hard time breathing, and I could not THINK.  My brain literally froze, I couldn't form a single coherent thought. My brother was what's the big deal I'm in the car everything is OK now, and I was said I am an Aspie, I am having an Aspie moment, just deal, and be nice to me as I get past this, PLEASE. My brother is so confident and so disinclined to react emotionally to anything (he HAS strong emotions, he doesn't react emotionally)  that those of us who have moments of weakness and stress baffle him completely. I did finally calm down (and my brother did volunteer to drive which was kind of him but once I was out of the airport I was fine), but it took me several minutes to get back to normal. 

I felt so STUPID because I have traveled internationally (I flew into Hong Kong alone at the age of 23 and met up with people I had met only once and didn't speak the same language, though they were wonderful to me and I love them dearly, where I then went to teach in China for a  year), gone through customs and dealt with situations much more stressful than this with no problems at all.  I worked full time, went to graduate school full time, trained for a marathon, and prepared for major surgery all at the same time in the Spring of 2004 without a single meltdown of any kind. Sometimes, though, the wrong button is pushed and I just can't hold it together. I hate it, I hate being an Aspie, I hate that no matter how confident and smart and capable and as much of a problem solver as I am I am, I have moments where my my brain simply melts, the Aspie kicks in, and all the balls get dropped, I don't know what to do, and I cease to be able to function or do anything but panic.

What it is like--one part of your brain is logical and rational and saying this is no big deal, you can handle this, nothing is really wrong, everything is fine now, get over it. And the rest of my brain is in meltdown mode and I have no control over it at all. It's SO frustrating.

And though I am proud of the person I am, these are the moments I HATE being an Aspie.  I HATE not having the control.  And I struggle because when it is over, the biggest thing I feel is...

Shame.

Getting diagnosed with ASD as an adult, part 2

I was inspired to write this post because more than one person has read this blog and has asked me questions about whether they, or someone they know, could possible have Autism Spectrum Disorder.  I always tell them, and I will state it here, that I have no official education or training this in whatsoever at all and I am NOT an expert and can't give a diagnosis.  That said, being on the Spectrum myself and knowing the research and the process I had to go through to get diagnosed does give me some insight.  What I normally do is ask a few questions, and depending on how they answer, I can usually say "I'd bet you do, but don't take my word for it, do research and try to find someone qualified in adult ASD to get you a diagnosis, and make sure you ask these questions and beware if they try to label you with this."  Accordingly, for all my friends seeking to find answers, here is a bit of information that might help.

First, if you are an adult and weren't diagnosed as a child, you will find it VERY difficult.  As a child you have resources in schools, in public health, etc--if you are anywhere on the autism spectrum, they will catch you.  But if you are an adult, especially if you are a smart adult who functions very well in life, you easily slip through the cracks.

This article pinpoints the problems with getting diagnosed as an adult pretty well:

 "Adults with ASDs are more likely to be recognized and supported if they also have severe intellectual disability; those with higher levels of functioning tend to be overlooked in the community."

Well, exactly.

You also find interesting bits of information like this.  The curious part is that men have a higher occurrence of ASD then women.  This strikes me as interesting, and in another post I will research it more thoroughly and confirm or disprove this article.

The best advice I have seen for an adult who thinks they might be on the Spectrum is here, and frankly, I'd rather find a more authoritative source, but I haven't found it yet.

Most importantly, it is good to have knowledge and information on your side, to look at blogs and other sites that have discussions with people on the Spectrum (Rethinking Autism is a good place to start), and to really have your ducks in a row before you approach a professional.  I was diagnosed incorrectly with Bipolar disorder several times before they got it right.  The clue?  If they have to work really hard to make you 'fit' with the DSM standards for having Bipolar disorder, you probably aren't Bipolar.  First I was Bipolar II, then I was Cyclothymic, then I had Bipoloar Spectrum disorder, and on and on it went.  I finally sat down with my Psychiatrist and told him as odd as it is for me to tell you my diagnosis is wrong as you are the professional and I am not, I have done my research and I am very self aware, and I am NOT Bipolar.  I have Autism Spectrum Disorder.  I then used the DSM other materials to lay out all the reasons I wasn't bipolar, and all the reasons I did have ASD.

He looked at me for a minute without speaking, then said, you are absolutely right.  You have Autism Spectrum Disorder.

It was a proud moment.

Good luck to all who are still seeking to find the truth!

God Bless,

EA

Autism Spectrum Disorder--the root causes.

Hello everyone--

There is a question that lingers in the mind of everyone touched by those on the Autistic Spectrum--what causes it?  I had a fellow classmate do a pathology poster about ASD in my summer school class and she spoke of finding genetic links.  I hadn't heard that, but it got me curious.  So the former librarian kicked into full research mode, and here I present what I found.

First, I dug out some interesting nuggets from the National Institute of Health. This page lays out a lot of useful and interesting information about ASD, but the key paragraph for the purpose of digging out the root cause is here:

Current research points to brain abnormalities as the cause of AS.  Using advanced brain imaging techniques, scientists have revealed structural and functional differences in specific regions of the brains of normal versus AS children.  These defects are most likely caused by the abnormal migration of embryonic cells during fetal development that affects brain structure and “wiring” and then goes on to affect the neural circuits that control thought and behavior.  

For example, one study found a reduction of brain activity in the frontal lobe of AS children when they were asked to respond to tasks that required them to use their judgment.  Another study found differences in activity when children were asked to respond to facial expressions.  A different study investigating brain function in adults with AS revealed abnormal levels of specific proteins that correlate with obsessive and repetitive behaviors.  

The page goes on to explain that although the genetic link is obvious, as Autism tends to run in families, no specific gene has been identified as a cause. Instead, researchers believe it is probably a group of genes.  With this in hand, I continued my digging and found this highly tecnical abstract which seems to imply that they are starting to get a grasp on which genes may be involved.  This is expanded in this Nature article that is also highly technical (well over my head, I have to admit).  It is also clear when reading the links that the reason why ASD is so hard to identify, understand, and diagnose, is that it really does express itself differently in everyone who has it.  This makes logical sense.  If a group of genes is responsible, each person on the Spectrum is going to have different genes in that group tweak different ways.  The, lets say combinations, of things that can go wrong are going to be different for everyone.

What does this tell us?  First, there is a genetic link, the answer to why people have Autism is in our genes, and doesn't that makes sense?  In a technical,  biological sense, our genes are responsible for coding us, making us who we are, and if we are born with a disease or disability or a talent or genius or anything else, it is going to come down to the genes.  Which doesn't mean we will always be able to understand how it works.  How fascinating science is, that slowly, we start to get a glimpse.

One other thing to ponder--from what I read here, and what I understand, Autism in all of its many variants is not something you can cure.  It is what it is, hardwired into your brain.  Not a disease.  Just a rewiring of the brain which means we do things in different ways.  Accordingly, we don't need a cure.  What we need is knowledge, training, practice, and understanding.

God bless you all,

EA

Dealing with grief

Good evening my friends--

A week ago today, I broke up with my boyfriend, the love of the life, the man who I have been totally committed too for the past 3 years.  And I am NOT happy about it.  In fact, my heart is shattered into little bitty pieces, and I am simply overwhelmed with sadness.  The only other time I have felt this level of grief is when my beloved Grammy died, the Erudite Mom's mom, 7 years ago.  The sinking feeling in the stomach, the constant flow of tears, the lethargy, the listlessness, the inability to think about anything other than the vast maw of misery.  It took me a couple of years to even start to recover from Grammy's death.  

Grief is a universal emotion, we all will experience it at some time in our lives, and it has absolutely nothing to do with being a Spectrumite or a Neurotypical or male or female or Schizophrenic or Depressed.  Grief simply is.  It is part of the human race, part of being what we are, and is unavoidable.  

This time, however, my period of grief coincided with the last three weeks of a very interesting and very challenging Anatomy/Physiology summer school course, three weeks in which I have taken or will take 2 midterms, two lab practicals, a project, and a final exam.  Clearly, Erudite though I may be, I need all of my mental capacity to take tests AND I need to be able to study and learn and process and remember vast amounts of information.

Baaaaaaddd timing.  Life, however, doesn't usually give you good timing.  And in an attempt to get my mind focused and flexible and capable, I started to ask myself about the process of grieving, how I cope, and if I have different coping skills being on the Autism Spectrum.  (I also wondered about the physiological processes that cause you to cry when you grieve as crying (or lacrimation!) is about flushing out the eyes which is part of our bodies innate defense system, but I digress).

I have learned that I  have to give myself at least a day, sometimes longer, to do absolutely nothing but wallow in bed and cry.  Exercise is good for relieving stress and grief, but I've learned that when it is really bad, for the first day or so I just can't do anything.  I've learned to allow myself this time.  I'm no good to anyone or to myself at all, absolutely incapable of rational or practical thought, and in the two times of extreme grief I expressed above I get to the point where I can actually barely walk.

After that, well, I go through the motions of life.  I never want to.  I want to just stay in bed.  But knowing that I can't, I force myself to get up with the alarm, study and work, exercise and cook and eat.  And check google+ and catch up on current events on PJTV.  To pet the cats, and feed the lizard.  And yes, you go through these actions numbly.  But it is better to go through the motions numbly than to not do them at all.  Exercise especially does have positive benefit, if only to help burn the calories you often over consume when really upset.  So do cats.  Nothing loves you more unconditionally than a cat.

The mental process is much more difficult.  We Aspies obsess.  That old saw 'just don't think about it' probably doesn't work for most people, and it most especially doesn't work for me.  And the mechanisms of  trying not to think about it, trying to block off the emotion, trying to have a positive attitude because that will make the pain lessen and go away faster, just don't work!  Not that those are bad things, but my obsessive personality, my self-awareness, and my highly linear if emotional mind means that if life sucks, it SUCKS, and I can't imagine that it doesn't.  Nor can I pretend to be happy when I am not.  Nor can I clear the thoughts from my mind.

So I am sitting here thinking hey, I have an A in my class so far.  I've had good talks with friends and family.  I've had some good luck I praise God for in other areas of my life.  And I don't want to diminish the positive in my life.  But none, NONE of that distracts me very long from the grief, and the hurt, and the anger.  Because reality is reality no matter how you try and handle it.--though, admittedly, writing this post has been somewhat cathartic.  

If I had to guess, I would guess that my way of handling grief is common, and not limited to those who have Asperger's.  The neurotypicals who read this post, please comment below.  I'd love to hear your take on it.

And please either pray hard or think positive thoughts, whatever may be your wont, that the Erudite boyfriend and I can work things out.  Hope should spring eternal, no matter what.

God bless you all,

Erudite Aspie

An excellent conversation on a summer afternoon

Yesterday afternoon I had a very interesting, and in the end heartwarming, conversation with some of my classmates.

To put this into perspective, we had just finished a midterm, so were on that 'yay the midterm is done and I can rest a few hours before I have to start studying for the next test" high.  And believe me, during a summer school  anatomy and physiology class, the moments you can take a breather are few, far between, and very short.  I was outside resting in the 30 minute break before my lab session started, and they came up to my bench and started talking, in that way that all exam survivors do (and darn it, I got a question wrong on the exam.  Grrr...I HATE that).

This conversation started out differently because one of the woman was upset and annoyed with a classmate for basically hogging the teachers time and being overall rather obnoxious.  She then mentioned, I think this person has Asperger's though or Autism or something like that.  

I said, you know, I'M on the spectrum.  

And thus started a truly fascinating conversation.  They wanted to know what it was, how I knew, what I did about it.  I explained what has already been explained so much in this blog--how I am so much better now than I was when I was younger, the techniques I have learned to adapt, and the things I still just can't do and how I get around them.  Particularly, I explained how I absolutely lack the ability to read body language and tell if someone is bored or interested, telling a white lie to get me to go away, sincere or polite, etc.  I explained how the best way I have learned to handle it is to  have someone I trust cue me in whenever I needed to change my behavior, and tell me the truth about people's actual motivations.  I also discussed how by the grace of God the Erudite Mom managed to do all the right things for training and helping people on the Spectrum without even knowing it.  

Granted, I could be off base as I am an Aspie and have my limitations, but it felt like a very positive conversation.  One where I shared my story, helped them to understand another classmate, and interested them.  I do know that I forgot time and thus was a couple of minutes late for lab, which is horrible, but I'll forgive myself this time. As I was running to lab,  one of the women yelled after me "it was great talking to you--and I really mean it!".  Hearing that sort of warmed the cockles of my heart (though those famed cockles don't exist, I have now studied the basic anatomy of the heart and know!).

So for all those who are Aspies, sometimes it is a good thing to share.  And to those fellow classmates of mine at Monterey Peninsula College, thanks.  You really made my day.

Social Networks

One thing that is well-known about Aspies and others on the Autism Spectrum is the difficulty they have with general social interactions. Talking on the phone, face to face, it can be hard, but what's easy is the computer. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, e-mail, Skype, all are a boon to the Aspie (and her non-Aspie Erudite Mom!) because they can control the message in a timeframe that doesn't freak them out. It's a world-opening gift to kids like Gage, and to our own EA.

Something new burst on to the social media scene this week, Google+, which all the Aspies here have dived head first into. Will it rival Facebook (which we also use extensively) or Twitter (which EM uses)? Who knows, but if it's about communicating without angst, we're willing to give it a try. It's in Beta, buggy and slow, but it shows promise. We'll update as we become more comfortable it the saddle, and in the meantime, let us know how you like to communicate. And be sure to watch the vid about Gage over on PJTV.

Homeschooling and the Autism Spectrum

Growing up, the hardest part of the Erudite Aspie's life was school. Not academically, she always did fine there, but as she's mentioned, the social aspect of it was torture for her--and, as her Mum, for me as well.

For the first three years of her education, I homeschooled her. I loved it, and she thrived, but she and her sister decided that they wanted to go to public school. I let them, but knowing what I know now, I wish I hadn't. It's not that the school was bad, it wasn't. They had terrific teachers who were dedicated and caring and all that you want a teacher to be, but Erudite Aspie's fellow students, not so much. No matter how much she wanted to fit in, she didn't, couldn't.

Homeschooling wasn't as easy then as it is now with the internet, but it was doable, and it sure would have saved her a lot of heartache. I realize that you can't totally erase heartache from your kids' lives, but still...you don't do it on purpose, right?

With all this in mind I was very interested in this recent post on Ree Drummond's outstanding site The Pioneer Woman. PW isn't solely about homeschooling or about Autism, but she is homeschooling her four children and has several guest posters who are also teaching their kids at home, always worth reading. Last month one of her guests asked a question for a correspondent, Mary: Should we take our high-functioning autistic son out of public school and homeschool him? The debate was spirited and hugely supportive, and today she posts Mary's decision: yes, we should.

I think so, too, Mary, and God bless you for doing so. I truly believe that your son, like my daughter, will thrive at home, and can learn the social skills he'll need for adulthood in a more supportive environment than a public school (or any school, for that matter). For kids on the Spectrum, being forced into social situations is not the way to learn those necessary skills, in fact, if anything it's more likely to turn them away from social situations entirely. Autistic kids need to learn those skills by rote because they don't get them instinctively, and forcing them to deal without that training is not only ineffective, but counterproductive--and hurtful.

As a public school teacher--high school science--I heartily support home schooling, whether your kid is on the Spectrum or not. I hope my future grandchildren are homeschooled, and if their parents can't do it, I'd be happy to take a few hours out of my retirement days for some quality time with my kids' kids. No better contribution to their futures, sez I.

Hindsight is always 20-20, and while I do wish I had known then what I know now, I'm grateful that my daughter turned out pretty well despite our ignorance. Do I wish I could have saved her all that frustration? Sure, but as we often say to each other, Now we know. Everyone has painful times growing up, most of us come through adolescence unscathed nevertheless. But for those of you who are still in the position to make that schooling choice, especially if your child is on the Spectrum, I recommend you give it due consideration. I doubt you'll regret it.

Vastly Improved, AKA, are you sure you are an Aspie?

It is quite interesting when I talk to people that have known me only for the last two or three years and try to tell them I am an Aspie, because they don't see it, and they don't get it.  I explain to them what it means to be Aspie and the basics of Asperger's Disorder and being on the Autism Spectrum and they look at me with genuine bafflement..."Wow, I am glad you know, but are you sure?  I don't see this with you at all".

My answer--first, I hide it really, really well.  And second, you should have seen me when I was a teenager and into my early 20s.

Imagine your teen years, and going through puberty.  Now imagine going through the same thing while having Asperger's or being on the Autism Spectrum.  I cringe at what a tough time I had, and how hard I made it on others, and how many people I hurt or offended or turned off because I just. Didn't.  Get it.  And I was way too stubborn to even contemplate the idea that I could, in fact, be wrong.  I suggest you all read the Erudite Mom's post on emotions for further details on this from the one who was right there with me the whole time.

It was not until my mid twenties that I finally had the epiphany that even though I thought so many of the social niceties were stupid, and even though I hated small talk and didn't do well at all in groups of large people, and even though I just didn't get any of this at all--well, I was going to have to buckle down and learn some social skills and basic diplomacy for relationship building.  It took learning it by habit, training, and rote, and NONE of it was instinctive.

It still isn't instinctive.  The only reason I seem to have 'good social skills' now is because I have learned what to say and how to say it and what to look for.  And this is not an easy or a natural process for me.  I have to be on my toes and paying attention and focusing on everything I do and say every second of a social interaction.  I can't let my guard down at all, or I will inevitably do the wrong thing and make a fool of myself.  My brain still doesn't understand why I have to do it, but I have accepted that I DO, and so I practice and fake it, and I'm lucky in my friends that still love me and are forgiving of my slip ups.  They also are good at cuing me if I am heading down the wrong road so I can stop myself from making an egregious mistake--more on that in another post.  The end result of this is that I leave social interactions absolutely exhausted, even when I've had a good time.

So yes, I am an Aspie.  If you can't tell, then that means I did it correctly.  If you can tell, well, please forgive me, and let's try and get past it and be friends, OK?  I promise, I really do like you.  And I'm worth getting to know.

People Who Need People

A post on EA and social interactions and why the two are like water and oil. They can be mixed but eventually they will always separate by Erudite Sister.


Today I wish to discuss my sister and crowds of people. For many of us being around a group of people is hardly a panic inducing, especially when several of them are people we know fairly well. We might not necessarily enjoy the situations in which we find ourselves. I don't like crowds of people and I'd rather be at home with a few people than in some crowded place forced to talk to people I don't know. Neither does my sister. The main difference between the two of us is that I can handle it; she can't.

One such example is the full blown anxiety attack she had at our cousin's wedding several years ago. It was a very nice outdoor wedding at a winery. Granted EA wasn't the only hungry person getting patient for the newly married couple to show up so we could eat. However, she was the only who got physically ill being in an enclosed room with two hundred of her closest strangers.

EA had brought a book to read during the off times during the wedding. The three of us told her to put the book away as it was pretty rude to read at a social function. She didn't exactly agree and became quite agitated when she was eventually forced to put the book away. Erudite Brother tried to reason with her. It was our impression that she was overreacting and being dramatic. EA has been known to be overly dramatic when people just didn't listen to her and see things her way.

Though she is much better at dealing with large groups of people now, at the time she had a very hard time interacting and making small talk with people she doesn't know or know well. What exactly is one supposed to say to the bride's great-aunt who wants to know who you are and how you know her niece? For most of us we put a nice smile and say that we're cousins to the groom and that his mother is our father's sister. We might even say that we don't know the bride well but we've met her a few times and we thought she was quite lovely. We might even make some comment about how lovely the ceremony was and how much we liked the bride's gown and we'd end the conversation by remarking how proud of her niece the aunt must be.

Someone like my sister doesn't get small talk. She would never go up to a complete stranger and just talk to them unless she believed they had something in common. That a complete stranger would come up to her and start talking as if they knew each other is not within her parameters of things that make sense. And so she freezes. She hates small talk, doesn't understand the purpose of it. It's pointless and makes absolutely no sense. And knowing that she is going to be expected to talk to someone's Great Aunt Muriel* about random things is something that is going to cause her a bit of anxiety.

The logical assumption would be that she would feel anxious being around any large group of people, after all, no matter where you go there will always be those instances of small talk. It would also be logical to assume that going somewhere like Disneyland would give an Apsie like EA fits to be surrounded by so many people. The difference is expectation. Different social groups have different expectations.

At our family reunions EA has never had any anxiety attacks. She has a pretty good idea as to who is going to be there and what they expect of her. She knows that her great aunts are going to want to know about her work and love life and she has answers ready for them. She knows that her cousins are going to ask about her job and her love life and she has answers ready for them too. And then she has outs. She knows that she can escape when it gets to be a bit too much. And she does. No one expects her to be front and center all day every day. And if she chooses to sit in a corner and read the day away no one is going to accuse her of being anti-social. Someone might come and talk to her, make her play a game or two of cards but she knows that she can escape.

Similarly when we go somewhere where there are just gads of people, she knows that she doesn't actually have to interact with anyone she doesn't know. She doesn't have to smile and think of witty answers to questions nor does she have to pretend as if she cares about the orange taffeta dress the maid of honor wore that clashed with her red hair. She doesn't have to pretend she noticed that the maid of honor had red hair or that her dress was a summer color when it is obvious the MOH is a winter person. My sister doesn't even know what that means. God bless her.

What I have found to be helpful to my sister in cases where I know that floundering is to take over the conversation. EA has voiced her frustrations in small talk over the years. I have never understood why she can't just make small talk. It's not hard. It's been frustrating for me to understand why she always has a problem with something as simple as small talk. It's pointless conversation that you don't always mean and isn't really important. A concept she also doesn't understand.

But as she is my sister and I love her I have taken to watching her and noticing signs of distress. If I feel that she is at her limit I interject myself into the conversation and take over. I have no problems with commandeering a conversation and doing all the talking. It's easy for me and EA knows that, so long as I am talking she isn't expected to contribute to the conversation.

Again, it all boils down to expectations. If she knows what is expected of her in a conversation or if she knows that she doesn't have to worry about talking too much or too little then she isn't going to be anxious.

To make an Aspie's life easier when going into any social setting, help them know exactly what they are expected to do or say and I am sure that they will be grateful for the assistance.

Heck, your favorite aspie might even begin to expect it.


*Not to be confused with Great Aunt Agnes or anyone who is real or living.

Emotions

One of the reasons therapists really REALLY wanted to classify EA as bipolar was because she was so "emotional," and it really does seem like she is. I cannot tell you how many times we--especially the Erudite Brother, who is extremely rational to the point of being rather annoying about it--would tell her to take a deep breath, calm down, and try to think rationally...which she had a very difficult time doing.

It's commonly thought that those on the Autism Spectrum are lacking on the emotional front, at least when it comes to wearing your heart of your sleeve, which our EA definitely does. This is not only NOT true, because they of course do have emotions to varying degrees, it's not what the problem was all along anyway.

EA sees the world from her own unique perspective and has a very hard time seeing it from any other. It's not that she lacks empathy, she has it, but it's limited to what she understands viscerally--at the easy kind of empathy that comes naturally to most moral, ethical people. If she has to learn it by rote because it's beyond that visceral understanding, she has a harder time recognizing it in others, and finds it utterly impossible to replicate it in herself.

I've come to realize that she's not really being emotional, per se, but frustrated. She sees the world entirely through EA glasses, and feels very strongly that she is right about...well, whatever the issue is. If someone doesn't share her unique EA vision about the right thing to do in any given situation, she gets extremely agitated because for pete's sake, can't that other person see that she's right and they aren't? Since she sees the world in black and white she has never understood why she couldn't just tell the other person what they were doing wrong--with many disastrous results growing up, especially in her teens. Once she got worked up about any aspect of this she'd get distraught, and it took me hours--HOURS--to talk her down back to reality. It was exhausting for both of us because she really didn't understand and I could see that she didn't understand, worse, there was no way I could help her understand. It always came down to "Honey, the rest of the world doesn't see it the way you do, and you just don't have any more right to tell people what to do than they have to tell you what to do (and you know much you hate that)."

"But they're wrong," she'd wail, and we'd have to go back to the beginning and start all over again. Did I mention hours? Add to this the unequivocal fact that she's as pigheaded as I am (although not as experienced and I always outlasted her, not that I had much choice, I couldn't leave her like that), it was exhausting, all right. Try as she might, she never understood why this happened over and over again--until now.

She is certainly capable of deep and abiding emotion, and she recognizes it in others when it's something she shares--love, honesty, loyalty, compassion, etc. She's not so good at recognizing emotions she doesn't share, like hatred, distrust, envy, bitterness and the like. This is very endearing in her, but it also gets her in trouble from time to time.

But that's another story for another time from the Erudite Mom.

Erudite Sister

Greetings All!

I'm the sister and from time to time I too shall be logging on and giving my own two cents about what it was like to grow up with an aspie for a sister. Ever since she's been properly diagnosed all of those weird things she's said and done now make a whole world of sense. I have almost 5 years of experience working with kids from first grade to high school who have a wide range of special needs both physically and mentally, which allows me to look back and understand much better why it is my sister behaved or reacted the way she did in certain situations. If only we knew then what we know now. But because the use of Time Turners are heavily monitored by the Bureau of Magic (in the US it's the bureau not ministry), we don't have the ability to turn back time and correct the incidents that have made her life harder. What I hope to do is give little vignettes into our lives as kids and reflect on my reactions and discuss what I did or did not do and what would have been easier on my sister.

Of course, as a kid, when your sister is driving you crazy and you want to drive her crazy right back, you're not about to take her tweaked brain into account. No matter how much you might love her.

Tiny personal triumphs

Happy Sunday everyone--

One of the odd things about being an Aspie is that we tend to easily do things most people find at least a bit challenging, and we are horrible at doing other things most people do as naturally as breathing.

For example, I am practically a speed reader, and I can do it with absolute comprehension of what I am reading (this is not a skill limited to being an Aspie, but it serves as a general example).  I've been able to do this since I was about seven, and it took no extra work or effort on my part to develop this skill. My brain is just wired that way, it is an innate ability.

On the other hand, little things like going to a party and making a business phone call throw me into a tizzy.

So, without further ado, I'd like to share my triumphs over the past week.

• I managed to successfully make a very important business phone call on Thursday--successfully enough that I got the result I was hoping to get out of it.
• I went to a party with a lot of people and managed to A) not go into my normal 'I am totally overwhelmed and need to hide' mode and B) managed to not make a fool of myself.  I think.

I also read a 450 page book in just a few hours but you know...that's the easy part.

Cheers,

EA

PS--if anyone would like to see a post on a specific topic related to to Autism or Asperger's, please leave it in the comments below.

Let the job searching begin!

Happy Monday morning!

Today, I am going to focus on finding a job.  Though I have been job searching for the last couple of years,  up until now I was always looking for a new job in the field of libraries and being a librarian.  No more!  Now I am looking way outside the box and considering fields of work I've never previously considered, even if it means going back to school.

This is, as you can imagine, both exciting and scary.

So I ask you all--any ideas?  I'm especially interested in my fellow Aspies and those swimming in the Autism Spectrum...what jobs do you have, and what do you think are essential elements in a job that allows our tweaky yet highly smart and productive brains to be successful?

New year, new blog, and a new start.  Let's raise a glass to 2011 being the best year yet.

Slainte,

EA

The Erudite Mom

Hello, I'm the Erudite Mom, and I'll be posting here from time to time my thoughts on what it was like to raise up a kid with Asperger's...and not knowing it. We're really a family that tends to pooh-pooh spurious psych diagnoses, champions of a pull yourself up by your bootstraps sort of a mentality, and generally do not like expecting people to accommodate themselves to our little quirks just because they are ours. On the other hand, it's nice to know that some of her little quirks aren't just her being dense, or arrogant (okay, she is that sometimes), or rude or any other tag that might be put on a person on the Spectrum. She's had to learn all the little social niceties that most of us understand instinctively from a very young age by rote, not easy, in fact exhausting. It was hard on both of us as she was growing up. It still is, actually. It's been an adventure.

You'll hear from me about the trials of being a mom of an inexplicable kid, how I coped, and mostly how SHE coped (usually amazingly, which is why she went undiagnosed for so long). Along with EA, I hope you'll participate in the conversation by sharing your own adventures, because although we've been on this journey for almost 35 years, we've also just begun it. Here's to a journey with no real destination but much to learn along the way!

Clink!

The Erudite Mom

The many misdiagnoses of Asperger's

Good morning--

It's a beautiful rainy morning in my neck of the woods, I have hot chocolate at hand, and the time is ripe for  starting a discussion on the issue that plagues many people with Asperger's--getting diagnosed.

First, my story.  When I learned that I could be on the Autism Spectrum, I immediately sought a diagnosis. The psychologist I saw met with me for about 30 minutes and immediately said I was in fact Bipolar II, based primarily on the fact that I am highly emotional and because I tend to talk loudly, fast, and am always moving some part of my body (and that I was absolutely not autistic in any way because I am emotional and according to her, autistic people aren't).  Later, as I failed to show trackable mood swings or impulsive behavior, she altered it to Bipolar NOS.  Was she wrong?  Yes, and I did eventually get the more studied and proper diagnosis of having Asperger's Disorder.  But did she make a very common mistake?  Absolutely.

It is very difficult to detect someone on the higher end of the Autism Spectrum disorder, especially in adults where it is so often misconstrued as being shy, or socially inept.  The Mind institute at UC Davis lists just a few reasons, and provides an excellent list of resources.  Moreover, Asperger's or Autism Spectrum can be misconstrued as many things-ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, and others as well.  One merely needs to peruse the internet to find many, many people on the autism spectrum that have had issues with being misdiagnosed, often misdiagnosed within the Autism spectrum itself.  Does your child have High Functioning Autism, or Asperger's?  Does this change with treatment, or age?  And where do you draw the line between being on the Autism Spectrum Disorder, as opposed to just being a few 'quirks'?

To compound the difficulty of getting a proper diagnosis, there is the question of what to call it.  In 2010, The American Psychiatric Association decided that Asperger's is not a seperate condition but should be subsumed into the Autism Spectrum Disorder category of the in-progress DSM V (the primary source for diagnosing mental and behavioral conditions),  a choice that many dislike.

If this wasn't complicated enough, there are many who have more than one disorder.  I have a friend who was long ago diagnosed as being ADD, but only found out in his 30s that he has Asperger's as well.  I've read of others with ADHD and Asperger's, or even one women who is struggling with being Bipolar and having Asperger's.  

The final conclusion to be draw from this is that diagnosis is not easy.  The human brain really doesn't quantify itself as neatly as the DSM categories do, and God bless those who try to do it anyway.  

I hope you learned something, and please feel free to share your stories, insights, disagreements if they are respectful, and further information in the comments below.  

EA

A brand new year, a brand new blog, let the adventure start!

Hello everyone.

Wow, my first blog post.  Though I have been reading blogs for years, I never thought that my life was interesting enough to start writing one myself.  Times change.  I promise to keep this blog cogent to the topic of Autism, and NOT bore you all with cute pictures of my cats and descriptions of what I am having for dinner.  I'll save that for Facebook.

As you can guess by the blog title and the about me section, I have Asperger's Disorder.  This link will explain what that is for those that don't know.  I have only recently been diagnosed (Asperger's is a very tricky thing to recognize and often gets misdiagnosed, especially in adults), and though nothing has changed in one sense as I am still the person I always was, everything has changed as I now know WHY I am the way I am and can use that information to strive to become a better me.

My purpose in starting this blog is to start conversation and create community.  So please, post away.  We are only as strong as we are together.

Happy New Year and God's blessings on you all,

EA